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lenora_roseETA: I've un-friendslocked this entry, as it occurs to me that two people {"Been there, done that" and "Chirp!") whose opinion I value on this sort of thing are not LJ users. (Both of you, you probably know who you are, why not do what Colin did, and sign on just so I can friend you and you can read my locked posts? Of course, one of you {chirp!} is thinking about starting a journal for real, so this suggestion may end up a gateway drug of sorts). But it might save me public humiliation. :)
________________
I should be sleeping. instead, I'm banging my head against something.
So, since it's late at night, and this hour, for me, is the equivalent of being slightly drunk, when things I'll regret in the morning Seem Like a Good Idea At the Time, I'll post my frustration.
Here I have the opening to a scene. Rather, I have two versions thereof, the same 4-5 paragraphs, the same info. But one was me trying an experiment, and I can't tell if it worked. Which one sounds better to you?
If you're not a writer, I'll still take your opinion. Most of you are readers, that's enough.
(And a caveat to all: Please please don't critique the substance, just the way it's presented. I'm not interested in whether the scenario started here is confusing, or whether you don't believe in the creature or the place "he" lives. Just whether the words sound/read better one way or the other.)
1.1
This is what makes us hard for any human to understand. We have no men or women; each of our kind can be mother or father. When we speak to humans, we find we must call ourselves he and she, else waste too much time. But we chose not by body or birth, but by what we know of ourselves. Among our own kind, we have fifteen or more names for the things you sum up as man, woman, manly, womanly. Among my own kind, I was Skendrial. It translates best as 'always a mother', though the word mother is not quite right, more because the original meaning anticipated -- correctly -- that I would favour being a man when I moved among humans, which I did often. If it is any consolation, my Love, the shape you knew is as natural to me as the one I was born with, and it was mine long before I came to the islands.
Still, love and its opposites come into the story only late. First, the God.
All who worshipped him called him the Red Bird, because his messengers appeared most often as doves in russet plumage. He dwelled in the Forest in the north of Fauconara, that was also the home of my kind, the maze-makers.
It would take me less than three days in flight to pass beside the Forest from north to south, and not quite twice as long to cross east to west. But to pass over it, or through it -- that could take months, even years.
_______________
1.2
To start, I must ask you now, my Love, to grasp what humans scarce can understand. My kind have no men, nor women neither; each of our kind can be mother or father. When we face humans and their dual selves, we do say he and she -- just to save time.
Among ourselves, we have now sixteen names, for all that you sum up as man and girl. I was Skendrial -- you might say "motherly" -- though in my tongue the nuances did hint I would be a man when I moved among humans. That shape you knew as mine is natural to me, my Love. I wore it for long years, and made it my own, before I came here onto your islands.
Still, love and all its opposites come late into the tale. First, as always he is first, must come the God.
We hid his name away and said 'Red Bird' for the russet plumage of his messenger dove. He dwelled in the Forest of the far north, that was our home as well.
Three days of flight would take me north to south, from end to end, if I should fly just alongside its breadth. But if I passed beneath the trees, or over them the time might stretch to months or even years.
________________
I should be sleeping. instead, I'm banging my head against something.
So, since it's late at night, and this hour, for me, is the equivalent of being slightly drunk, when things I'll regret in the morning Seem Like a Good Idea At the Time, I'll post my frustration.
Here I have the opening to a scene. Rather, I have two versions thereof, the same 4-5 paragraphs, the same info. But one was me trying an experiment, and I can't tell if it worked. Which one sounds better to you?
If you're not a writer, I'll still take your opinion. Most of you are readers, that's enough.
(And a caveat to all: Please please don't critique the substance, just the way it's presented. I'm not interested in whether the scenario started here is confusing, or whether you don't believe in the creature or the place "he" lives. Just whether the words sound/read better one way or the other.)
1.1
This is what makes us hard for any human to understand. We have no men or women; each of our kind can be mother or father. When we speak to humans, we find we must call ourselves he and she, else waste too much time. But we chose not by body or birth, but by what we know of ourselves. Among our own kind, we have fifteen or more names for the things you sum up as man, woman, manly, womanly. Among my own kind, I was Skendrial. It translates best as 'always a mother', though the word mother is not quite right, more because the original meaning anticipated -- correctly -- that I would favour being a man when I moved among humans, which I did often. If it is any consolation, my Love, the shape you knew is as natural to me as the one I was born with, and it was mine long before I came to the islands.
Still, love and its opposites come into the story only late. First, the God.
All who worshipped him called him the Red Bird, because his messengers appeared most often as doves in russet plumage. He dwelled in the Forest in the north of Fauconara, that was also the home of my kind, the maze-makers.
It would take me less than three days in flight to pass beside the Forest from north to south, and not quite twice as long to cross east to west. But to pass over it, or through it -- that could take months, even years.
_______________
1.2
To start, I must ask you now, my Love, to grasp what humans scarce can understand. My kind have no men, nor women neither; each of our kind can be mother or father. When we face humans and their dual selves, we do say he and she -- just to save time.
Among ourselves, we have now sixteen names, for all that you sum up as man and girl. I was Skendrial -- you might say "motherly" -- though in my tongue the nuances did hint I would be a man when I moved among humans. That shape you knew as mine is natural to me, my Love. I wore it for long years, and made it my own, before I came here onto your islands.
Still, love and all its opposites come late into the tale. First, as always he is first, must come the God.
We hid his name away and said 'Red Bird' for the russet plumage of his messenger dove. He dwelled in the Forest of the far north, that was our home as well.
Three days of flight would take me north to south, from end to end, if I should fly just alongside its breadth. But if I passed beneath the trees, or over them the time might stretch to months or even years.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 06:44 pm (UTC)Um, a combination of both. If I *had* to choose just one, I suppose I'd pick the first. But there are phrases & images in #2 that I really like as well.
How's that for unhelpful?
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-11 10:18 pm (UTC)I prefer the first opening; I'm a fiend for opening sentences and something about the 1.1 version grabs me harder. But I like the way your narrator speaks of the God (esp. the metaphor of his name) and the Forest in version 1.2.