Easily Distracted by Shiny Things

One of my goals once July and its attendant festivals* was over, and after a couple of weeks of normalcy to get myself back in the groove, I had a chance to review how my goals and my organization went.

Overall, the results were positive. Not perfect, but what is? I had gone form very occasional doodling to semi-regular drawing, I came up with the theme and general idea for a pair of paintings I want to make for Alex. I got back into practicing with the mandolin, and based on the advice of a friend, managed to get the Silly Goose (the octave mandolin) back in playable order.

The funniest bit was mentioning the mere existence of Habitica, and what it does (Basically gives you mini 16 bit style characters in a party of your choice, and pretends getting chores and such done is an RPG.) and having the friend I was talking to literally download it before I was done and get started even while I was still debating it. It did turn into one of my better ways to keep on track and figure out what areas I needed to focus on.

So:
- Art. Might as well lead with the big one. Because while drawing and getting ideas for paintings, above, were short term get-back-into-this goals, the long term goal was to get back into pottery. Thing is, with full time work plus kids at home, I was hesitant to consider renting a studio space on my own; I just can't be there enough to justify it. OTOH, pottery was an art I didn't really want to do too much in front of the kids.

At the exact same time, one of my best friends, B, is also moving out of her multi-story home for mobility issues reasons, which means the craft/studio space she was slowly renovating was neither going to be accessible nor used. So she started looking at alternates. Someone did offer her a partial space in another studio, because he'd lost the person he was sharing space with an couldn't afford the fee alone, but she was waffling. I thought if we rented one shared studio spot, it could work; B and I work somewhat different hours, so even if the access time or the space was so strictly limited we couldn't both be there at the same time, we could probably make it work (And if we COULD be there together sometimes, that would be even better.) Two people using it part time seemed to fit better than one using it part time. She was at least willing for me to ask around.

For myself, I knew OF two possible studio spaces in town, three if you count the other one B was being offered. While my absolute dream location, the Stoneware Gallery, has high-fire gas kilns, they also have high costs, limited access, and long waiting lists. I could not likely have got a studio spot there but I might be able to do a class -- which would give me access to the kilns.

In the meantime, B and I have been helping out in Novembers with producing chili bowls for the Edge Studio and Gallery, who do a December fundraiser. The Edge is a fabulous set-up that has everything I could possibly want *except* gas kilns; wheels, electric kilns, glazes.... I thought that I could also contact Elise and get on a waiting list. I was assuming it would take time.

Well, as far as I can tell, my timing was perfect. There was not one but two spots open, which is not apparently that common. The cost is about half what it would be to take a CLASS at Stoneware Gallery. Elise who runs the Edge pretty much was WAITING for us. And delighted. And kind of said when we came to look at the specifics that we weren't going to be allowed to leave without a contract. It IS true that the better space was down stairs, but B was willing to at least give it a try for a month or two, even if she does end up deciding it's too many stairs and she needs a main floor space (Smaller and much much more in demand.)

So, I need to send her the fee for September now (B has to start in October, which Elise would *not* be willing to wait for if I wasn't taking the spot in the meantime but because I am she is), but I can pretty much start moving some of my pottery stuff right now. Elise actually made it clear that I could start USING the space right now, but I suspect the rest of August will be sorting my pottery supplies and figuring out what I do want to take along, which will clear up shelf space at home as well. So, that kind of went from zero to sixty in a month flat.

I feel a bit sad to take myself off the Stoneware Gallery waiting list so soon after I added myself again, but unless I switch to part time work, there is no way I have the time for two different studios, even with different kinds of clay in each, and *unless* I am working at least part time, I definitely would not have the funds to afford both.

(And B's other friend with the studio spot he's worried he'll lose? Well, Elise recognized his name and said to invite him over while she has her other spot open; it would be cheaper and she has a better set up than the studio he's in, which is a perfectly decent place, but I am not going to name it as we ARE talking about poaching one of their people.)

- Household stuff. I did a couple of the sorts of jobs that are usually put off and off and again; things like "Go through and sort out and scrub down this shelf full of stuff". Basic house cleaning and maintenance and such has been vastly helped by my mother in law being here for her summer visit, so I can't take credit for much of it, though I do have tasks in Habitica and it did help while she was away. But I only finished half my original sticker page before I decided to make a new one.

- Music. Right now it really looks like I have to keep on with the mandolin alone, as there is simply going to be no room in my life for choir. I am finding it a bit hard while my mother in law is here, because I'm still in the picking up skills again phase where I feel especially awkward playing where other (adults) can hear me (Alex has sometimes been very helpful, and sometimes very not helpful but enthused and interested) and she's more likely to randomly wander in on me. But I figure as long as I don't *stop* I should be fine. Fixing the Silly Goose helped as overall I like the sound of the octave mandolin better. It also confirmed, alas, that I really did restring the Angry Chicken wrong; it worked okay for a little while after the first week, but it's developed a buzz and I know exactly why. I have the strings to replace the mis-tied ones, I just don't really want to do yet more restringing so soon after the last time. So I'm stalling.

- Kids. I added stuff regarding Joseph and Alex after a few weeks of just trying to pick up creative or household habits, and we will see how those work out more the next time around. Having my mother in law has somewhat taken pressure off me as she wants time to hang out with the kids while she's here.

- Colin. Colin got a new job! Yay! On the other hand, that means he isn't getting things done in the house on his good days. It ALSO means expecting him to do too much household work is unfair, in a way it wasn't a couple of months ago.

But also. The thing with adding chore time and active art time and writing time and more actively interactive kid time to my schedule is that while mostly it's meant to replace sitting there doing the social media thing or the Candy Crush fidget games thing, it can eat into time spent *with* my husband. It could also, if I let it, make him into the support structure for me and my doings. So I had to stop and consciously build the idea of PLANNING for "These are days Colin goes and does his own thing and I am the one at home with kids", "These are the down-time days or times we're both home and can do normal domestic life stuff **with each other**" and "Date Night!" (and "Social time with friends"). Because otherwise it would be easy, too easy, to run off to the studio at every possible turn. Fortunately, for every activity I want to do for myself, he has a near-equivalent I can encourage him to do, and while it makes the schedule a bit busy looking, it's not as bad as at first glance.

- Writing. Writing kind of slipped through the cracks a bit. Some of it is ongoing struggles with too much rewriting and not enough new stuff, and not enough time to really sit and focus on new prose when a 4 year old jumps or climbs one every few minutes (This is not much of an exaggeration). On the plus side, active agent seeking did NOT, in that sending things to agencies is one of my chores right now, and I've been getting it done again.

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* Winnipeg Folk Festival and Winnipeg Fringe Theatre Festival, I've been volunteering for both for over 20 years, and they are a key part of my summer most of the time, physically exhausting but often mentally refreshing. This year was decent but not jump up and down exciting for both, but really the only things I wanted to write or talk about re either were the sketches I made as part of my art goals -- Dig far enough in my twitter feed lenorarosesff and between the politics there are indeed doodles -- and a band I recced over on facebook, the Young'Uns, who sound like trad British folk harmony, much of it a capella, but with social justice lyrics. One sample here: Be the Man

The rules of the rock game are, like most kids' games, both simple and complex. From the mother's perspective, it is a meditation of sorts, involving as it does repetition and the picking out visually of fine details. From the Joseph's, it is a game, an entertainment - and possibly also a meditation. There is comfort in numbers, in their reliability.

The rock game is not played every time there is a visit to a play structure - it depends on having a low number of children specifically interested in that precise slide. However, it does provide structure and direction on those days where there are few other children, and is a reliable go-to for calming. Mom will generally scope out the playground's current set up for suitability, and pick up potential rocks before the request is made, but wait for the request before beginning.

Requires:
TOOLS:
- A collection of Big Rocks.*
- A playground with a play structure containing a flat surface within parental reach and a slide, and a low number of other children on that slide/that structure.
PLAYERS:
- A Mommy Lenora (Very rarely replaced by a Daddy Colin or by another child trying to figure out how to play with Joseph.)
- A Joseph, ages 3.5 through 7.5 (assumed to be suited Josephs of greater ages, but upper limit remains to be seen.)

* A Big Rock is a rock of sufficient size, and of colour/material, to be easily distinguishable from the regular gravel in a children's playground and/or the wood chips, whichever is in use. Generally this means about an inch, and ideally left rough (though not sharp), not tumbled, as gravel is tumbled, and the edges are more visible at smaller sizes. (Tumbled) river rock of adequately different size or material CAN be options, if more readily available. Quartz is fabulous as it stands out well, but also tends to vanish between uses, as other kids take them home. Fancy rocks or rocks one has any interest in keeping should not be used, as too often there is not an opportunity to retrieve them.

(Big rocks, despite their name, should ALSO not be more than about 2 inches, in case of other kids at the bottom of the slide, or possible damage to the slide. Truly big rocks are not suitable as Big Rocks.)

RULES (Original):

Mom scours area for potential Big Rocks, building up an initial collection sufficient to start the game. (So far, there have been almost no suitable playgrounds, at all, where no Big Rocks can be found nearby, though there are ones where it is easier and harder).

Upon Joseph's expressed interest in the game (Or, more rarely, as an overture) Mom takes one Big rock* from wherever in the vicinity big rocks can be found, or from collection already in hand/pocket. She places it on a flat surface on the play structure, ideally suitably near the slide.

Joseph takes the rock, and slides it down the slide, and slides himself down the slide.

While Joseph is climbing the play structure again, usually via a Standard Route, Mom places two Big Rocks on the same flat surface of the play structure.

The two Big Rocks and the Joseph go down the slide, in that order.

Repeat all steps, increasing the number of Big Rocks by one each time, generally in a rough line. Generally the rocks will be slid down one at a time, though sometimes they go in very rapid succession, or in handfuls.

Game ends when the available Big Rocks are exhausted (rare), Mom gets tired (fairly common once we get past 15), we reach the number Joseph has designated for this given day as the end (Also common; at one point it started at 15 and also increased by one per day, but that reset long ago, and he defaults to 20 as his baseline), Joseph gets bored (Very rare, though interrupting the game for a short term distraction may occur before he asks to resume), or something else happens to derail the game (moderately rare unless his younger brother is also in the playground or the number of unrelated children on the playground is over 5-6 total; then it's common.)

Mom periodically retrieves the Big Rocks at the base of the slide to ensure the number of Big Rocks is sufficient, and periodically scours the ground for more. breaks for such hunts are tolerated, just as breaks for other-sibling control are.

Other children should not touch the rocks, or slide the rocks, and the times this occurs do not count towards the sequence. (unless taking the place of Mom and following the rules closely; this is rare enough it is a noteable change when it happens. Other kids want more input into rules or activities most of the time). Other children MAY use the slide between sets.

VARIANTS:
Variants have come up more as Joseph ages, but he also specifically requests sticking to the original rules at times.

1) As well as setting up the rocks, Mom and Joseph alternate sending them down the slide. When Joseph sends them down, Joseph slides. When Mom sends them down, Mom and Joseph usually slide. Generally if Mom has a say, Mom takes the Even numbers.

1a) If the slide is of a style that permits. When Mom slides the rocks down, Joseph is balanced on the slide such that the rocks can pass under him. When Mom slides down, she is expected to slide to him, scoop him up, and slide down with him.

1b) When Mom slides down, Joseph climbs on her and is held in an embrace the whole way down. This is also called an "I love you", as in "The I Love You goes down the slide". (1a may or may not count as an I Love You. Specific reasoning why is unclear but is assumed to be about the length of the slide left to go.)

2) CAN be done with the 1 variants but tends not to be. If the surface is low enough to see, with rock totals 3 or higher, rocks are places in basic and equally-sided geometric shapes before being retrieved and slid. This has included shapes up to decagons, or simpler shapes side by side or one inside another (Eg, a 13 sided shape, a heptagon inside a hexagon, or 2 squares and a pentagon side by side are ways to express 13.) Joseph will usually dictate the shapes, but not necessarily. He will also occasionally forbid this variant.

3) Can be done simultaneous with variant 2. Mom places the rocks on the play structure, and in a relatively small area so they can be visually totaled easily, but not necessarily next to the slide, requiring Joseph to roam the structure more, and to do the planning needed to carry the larger numbers of rocks. Usually Mom will dictate their placement, but occasionally Joseph will.

3a) The rocks will be slid down a slide, but which of the available slides may vary. (All rocks in a given number will go down the same slide. Eg., 6 Big Rocks will go down the blue slide and 7 Big Rocks down the left-hand Red Slide).

Twice within the last week, my world seems to be being turned upside down because someone made an incorrect assumption and never actually asked or cleared it up. in the first case, i can say with my own experience the person is someone competent and capable in other circumstances, in the latter, I have no idea.

Event number one:

I've been working full time for the last several weeks on a temporary contract (basically as a file clerk, but with a particular file reorganization project in mind). I am at best partway through the project I'm supposed to be working on (partly due to a snafu with supplies but also because two other departments have borrowed me for their own projects, to the tune of roughly 3 weeks' work.) and my immediate manager had made it clear in casual conversation that she assumed I'd be around for a while yet.

Well, my contract was up September 2nd, and while all the unofficial conversation assumed I was still going to be there, I had seen nothing from the temp agency or the company that officially extended my contract. So, since I tend to let things lie until they're almost due (that part of both snafus I will happily own), I pointed this out to my manager on Thursday.

Because the other two temps working there (at another location) had contracts that run to September 30th, she'd believed mine did, too.

But normally, one day's notice is still time enough to extend a contract. It's happened to me before, and not just once.

Turns out, though, that the CEO of the company, somewhere down in the US, had put out word of an hiring freeze WITHIN THE WEEK. So they literally could not extend my contract despite pretty much everyone involved on the ground really really wanting to. (Me included. Despite this incident, it's a lovely place to work, I really liked it.)

There's some hope that my manager can eventually get some kind of a special permission, or something, and summon me back, and I have made it clear to both the temp agency and everyone involved with me directly that I'll show up as soon as I'm called. But I'm at best on unpaid leave again for a couple of weeks.

Just in time for the first week Joseph goes to real school.

Which leads directly to Event number two.

I hadn't heard anything from the school (which had my application since just after last year's spring break), but when I called the School Division's Special Needs Support person (Not her title but I am too tired to look it up), she'd said I probably wouldn't hear anything from them until right before Joseph is due to go to class.

Well, that's now, and I still had nothing. So, being off work, and with a husband who HATES doing phone calls more than I do, I finally called today to find out how exactly they arrange Kindergarten.

The school said they thought he was going to another school.

A couple of phone calls more, and I finally twig to what happened.

St. Amant is a private organization that does (among many other things) a whole lot of programs for autistic children, including a full blown home tutoring for preschool children (which Joseph never got due to being diagnosed late enough he aged out before the waiting list hit the end), a pre-Kindergarten preparatory class (Which he has been doing, and thriving in, and which ended last week), and sending tutors to schools to help support children whose needs they feel the school division support system alone can't handle. (school divisions vary in both budget and staff, though not as drastically as in some places.)

We got our acceptance letter for St. Amant's School Age program within the last 2 weeks.

So did the school. But they thought it meant J. would be going *to* St. Amant and not to the school division, not that they would get additional support.

When, after calling the school, having the school staff member in charge of special needs (not the principal as I was told to expect) call me, calling St. Amant, and calling the school back, I finally figure this out. It took that long partly because the guy talks in buzzwords a bit, and partly because I had assumed that someone working for a school would, well, know how this works better than a first-kid-in-school mom.

I pointed this out to the person I was talking to, and he went to call the person in charge at St. Amant to clear things up. I hoped to hear back before the end of the day, but nobody called me today.

If they don't call tomorrow AM, I'm debating whether it's better to walk in and deal with this in person, or phone again.

HOW DOES A SCHOOL NOT KNOW THIS? I was told when I applied that another child with autism will be in Kindergarten, so they can't have never had this support before, can they?

All in all, though, not exactly the way to impress a nervous mom that your school will be remotely aware of what inclusion and integration actually entail, or that he'll get the support he needs from them.

The first of these two has me sad and a bit frustrated more than anything. The second one has me simmering.

I talked about this on facebook, but I have longer thoughts, too.

Joseph and I go for walks after school most days, and sometimes on other days (like Sunday). Well, as I joke, they are more like "runs"; he will run whenever there are cars moving on the street, as if he's trying to keep up with them -- and a bit extra for things like buses or motorcycles or oddities. I usually jog as much as I'm willing, so it goes in bursts of speed-up and slow-down as the waves of traffic pass.

I also let him pick the route *most* of the time, although I may put my foot down on going home once we've been at it a while. My focus has been on teaching him street crossing, reminding him to look for cars, and to wait for lights. I sometimes make him go my chosen way, or make a stop, partly to train him for when I really need him to go with me in a particular direction (like, again, Sunday). But mostly he has his little routes; they almost all start almost always up the alley the same way, down the first street the same way. It varies afterwards, but I can make some pretty good guesses where we're going, and it loops back on itself; we sometimes go right past home, and sometimes come pretty close. He tends to stick to major streets for much of it, because more cars.

He's been, I think, also using it to get a mental map of the area and how it all links up. Some of the repetition is autistic routine, or bits he particularly enjoys (We often make extra repeats of ramps), and some is testing his map, especially when he unexpectedly varies his path.

I kind of enjoy the routine, even if I often come out of one tired and footsore. It's also pretty good exercise, trying to cooperate with a 4 year old's energy level.

I feel even more glad he mostly chooses the routes, and that this means I know his most likely choices.

This is what I posted on Facebook:

Anyone who also has Colin on their news feed knows Joseph ran out of the house earlier today. He was found by a young woman who took his hand and tried to get him to lead her home. He led her instead on one of his walking routes (exactly the wrong way from home, though it would have looped back eventually.) Colin, at home, called the cops while one of the people I (out searching) asked flagged down a pair of paramedics on bicycles, who found her and then let m know she was bringing him my way (meanwhile the police Colin called also ended up intercepting her and brought her and Joseph to me and then me and Joseph safe home.)

We owe thanks to so many people; the woman who took his hand and looked for where he belonged and who, most of all, meant he was travelling safely and not running into traffic, the people who talked to me at River and Osborne who loaned me cell phones (my phone? Are you kidding? I left the house without putting on shoes. Granted, if such an awful thing happens again, I'm taking the phone if I can, but still screw the shoes.) and/or walked/biked the neighbourhood to search, the woman who flagged the paramedics while my panicked mind was still thinking, "but that's the wrong emergency services", the paramedics and police themselves. Even the one person I talked to who remembered a blond boy with a woman going by.

I'm still shaken, though.

It's so easy to second-guess everything.

This has happened now two and a half times for real, and a couple of other close calls. (The half is when he made his escape after leaving the car, not out of the house). The other two involved us being close behind, even in sight, so not quite the same as not being sure exactly how long, how far.

We have a latch on the door to the back hall but we know he figured out what to climb onto to reach it. Should we have moved that thing, so he at least needed to drag a chair over? We have a different fastener on the outside door we know he CAN get at, again with something to climb onto, but again slows him and causes trouble. We even have a windchime set so that opening the door will make it ring, and it's audible on both floors, though probably not in the bathroom with the fan or shower on.

I was upstairs in the shower. Well, except after I finished the shower I sat upstairs alone for a long time, just reading a book. And I mean half an hour or more. (Colin was downstairs, and could speak to his own reasons for not catching on; I will say that while they weren't any better than mine, they weren't worse, either.) I went downstairs, past Colin and into the kitchen, thinking we were overdue to deal with lunch; and saw the door. I don't remember what I said, but enough to get him up and moving, and then I was off, shoeless and purseless, down the alley as I was.

Colin was a bit more active than I make it sound; he made sure Alex was safe, checked Joseph's route the opposite way, and the playground, then sat down at home to call the police and mind Alex (and the phone). I found most of this out afterwards, when I borrowed the phones, or even after I got home.

Do we need to have a more orderly plan in place? More than just "Next time I bring my cell"? Colin did exactly the right thing. I was keeping it together in most ways until Joseph was safe (I had a really obvious increase in panic and stress symptoms once I was told he was found, and more once I had him, but I was aware even as I was managing to think out plans while I walked that I wasn't thinking entirely clearly.)

Had I come downstairs sooner, would I have seen Joseph while he was still in the house? He starts working on getting outside when he's bored with indoor stuff; I could have started an activity with him. We need to do more of that; more things that aren't default habits. Might I have at least arrived soon enough to nab him in the first block? Did I hear a chime and assume Colin was in control? I don't remember doing so, so probably not, but the other escape out of the house happened when I heard the chime but had thought Colin (who was working on renos) was doing work that involved going outside as well as into and out of the basement.

There's the things I have done lackadaisically, like teaching Joseph to say his name (Which he can do -- but the officer said he never got a peep out of him, and the only thing Joseph said to me in the police car on the way home was "octagon stop sign" when we reached an intersection.) I've talked about making him an "all about me" book to teach him rote answers to "what's your name?" and "where do you live?" but haven't made it.

I keep wondering if we should get him some jewellery that has his name and address, but teaching him to wear it, all the time, would be some doing; he doesn't like wristbands, and he's very good at figuring out fasteners (see again: everything we've done to our doors to slow him down)

I've also wondered about preemptively flyering the neighbourhood with his picture and home address and an explanation that he's a flight risk with poor verbal skills. The houses and apartments and condos, probably not; not only would it be a dauntingly huge undertaking, but it carries a lot of OTHER issues. But maybe the businesses, at least the ones that have a view out the window? I keep thinking this is a bad idea, but is it a worse idea than not doing it, if he vanishes again? And yet again, most of my samaritans were just people shopping or going about their day, although the woman who flagged the paramedics is one of the people who runs a street kiosk.

We're planning on building a fence around the yards this summer; that was part of the plan already.

The other bit I posted on facebook:
And for a super-fun follow-up: we were at a party at the house of one of Colin's old friends this afternoon, in their back yard. We'd figured out how to keep him from opening the gate right away. Then he followed the other kids inside once ... and inside, went instead to the front door, opened it and was off down the street. In Fort Richmond, which he doesn't know and where we would have no idea where to look after 5 minutes. One of the other parents caught on and chased him down, so he was brought back quickly (he leaves doors open behind him), but we had to spend half of the rest of the party minding all possible exits. It's that fast.

It's official.

Joseph had his language assessment 2 weeks ago, and his general assessment last Wednesday. His speech issues are exactly as we thought, no surprises.

His general assessment really wasn't a surprise either, to me. Apparently either I have been extremely negligent in discussing my concerns and thoughts with my husband, or Colin tried so hard to put the possibility out of his mind so as not to trigger his anxiety disorder that he let himself be blindsided instead. (Colin is the one who suggested the latter, not I. I have to confess, between discussions with his mom and mine, I might well have thought he and I addressed it more than we did.)

Joseph has autism spectrum disorder.

He's what they would call high-functioning, and not just because he's obviously smart - he does express affection at times, and even as we got him assessed, his language use is improving, with more spontaneous sentences, and more mimicry (touch is still his best tool for communication). But even some signs of his brightness are themselves flags - his level of interest and obsession with numbers, his ability to memorize and cite songs and books. It helped that there's a boy in his class who's also high-functioning autistic, and bright and interested in Joseph, and when she and I discussed our boys, we described a lot of the same behaviours and tendencies. (she also remarked on how much she sees her younger daughter doing that she didn't see with her son, in hindsight.). Those conversations I know I didn't share.

Another tool helping to prepare me is, well, seeing others go through the same process in public. So yes, posts like that matter.

In spite of this not being a surprise to me, and in spite of the fact that an accurate assessment will help provide services and tools for teaching him how to cope with his weaknesses, it left me fretful and depressed, a reaction I suspect is more based on the bogeyman version of autism than the reality, at least as far as our boy's level and degree.

Colin's anxiety shot through the roof on the spot, and he feels he has a lot more catching up to do. I really feel like I failed on good wifing. :P

That's where we stand until we have a chance to get to some information sessions and further appointments. Probably steady through the summer.

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Alexander is doing very well, for a one month old. I think he's learning to smile.




(And on a whole other topic, yes, leonacarver, that's your book that snuck in the picture. Finished now, and liked it better than Piper.)

Feels half pointless to say so when I haven't exactly been blogging as much as I used to, but I almsot certainly won't in the next couple of weeks. We're headed to Orlando as of Wednesday for a family trip/visit (We'l;l be seeing my in-laws, including Colin's sister, again). At the time the trip was planned, it was assumed we would have maybe seen my M-i-L in November and nobody else since summer or longer, not that the loss of a family member would cause them all to visit in December.

Mostly we're planning the expected touristy things - some of the more toddler friendly with JoJo, some with just Colin and I (or with his sister as well) while JoJo stays at the resort with the grandparents.

Travelling while fairly heavily pregnant is something I'm not entirely looking forward to, but we are all planning carefully around, and I suspect the result will be the same increase in physical activity I've been wanting anyhow. And I have the sense to monitor my need for down time.
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Joseph saw the doctor for a check-up, just because he hasn't been since he was around 18 months and needed his last vaccination until he's 5. And the Doctor strongly suggested, just from his behaviour in the office, that we have someone from Child Development Clinic look at him. Because some of it struck him as very abnormal for Joseph's age. He was, I admit, being especially bad at the doctor's office, being bored and restless, and thus even less responsive than usual, but not so far outside his normal range that I could shrug it off as just a bad day.

I can see it. Joseph is bright, and physically active, and displays high intelligence. Yet he often doesn't pay attention. He's got excellent memory and a good vocabulary but still doesn't always do dialogue or respond. He's missing some social skills and social cues, and even his lack of fear or shyness around strangers, which I consider a plus in most cases, could be symptomatic.

One oddity that has stood out for me for a while is, he knows Mommy -- especially, but also Grandmas and Daddy -- give him kisses. But he has never, or at best extremely rarely, tried to reciprocate. He's always been bad at imitation games, at copying things other people do. Usually because he stops watching them, not because he can't understand when he does look and think about it.

I would not be surprised if any look at him determines he falls inside the range of neurotypical, even if he has a few outlier traits (That's where I am, after all, especially re the outliers). I would be not at all surprised to learn it's mostly ADD, with the social skills mostly a matter of distraction -- a result rather than a symptom. (His uncle has, and one grandmother almost certainly has, ADD). I would be a bit more surprised, but consider it well within the realm of possibility, that there's a bit more going on and that some of those are symptoms of something in the range of low-grade autism or Asberger's. (He pretty definitely doesn't, at least at his age, have any sign of Colin's family's depression and anxiety disorders.)

I would be HUGELY surprised, and deeply skeptical, if anyone thought it was something serious enough to require medication.

I can say that there's nothing serious enough that he couldn't have learned to cope in a time period where forcing kids to cope or fail was the norm. I consider it plausible that, in these days of more awareness and accommodation, there are ways me might be happier and more able to learn if a diagnosis can be made.

And yet I fret. Is he having these problems because of times I didn't pay him enough close attention? I love him dearly, I try to express it daily, I try to give him social time. I also try to give him time to learn to play alone, while I work on other things (lunch, or a puzzle, or a book of my own.) He's seemed to be good at coming up and asking for attention or for a specific thing he needs while I'm doing this, but did I overdo the "mommy is doing other stuff" moments and underdo the rest? I don't think so, I think I struck a fair balance between over-hovering and under-attending, and one that doesn't seem too different from most other parents I've seen -- except apparently in my deep anxieties.

And yes, I know the "refrigerator mom" theory has been pretty heavily debunked (unless you're talking levels of isolation and non-socialization that would be visibly abusive), and that that's pretty much what the anxieties are pressing.

But I'm not a perfect mom. I get horribly frustrated when he does the things he knows are wrong and that we've said no to for the fifteenth time in 2 days. I get frustrated he doesn't do things I think he should know how to do by now, because he's been shown dozens or more times (especially when there are other things, things that play to his strengths, that he has learned how to do in a snap.) I get frustrated, period. I fret about not getting to do my own thing, when frankly, I DO, a fair bit (And a number of times when I don't, it's self-inflicted.) I fret about doing too little for him. I fret about doing too much for him. I fret about paying less attention to him while we have guests over (Even though the guests often also help with him, or pay attention to him that's new and different.) I fret about him not spending enough time with his Daddy as caregiver. I fret about asking Colin to do too much when he's tired from work and I don't have a solid reason. I fret I don't clean enough (I'm right about that one).

All of which means, of course, that if something is wrong that will be an issue for his whole life, not just a brief hitch in his early years, my brain has ample fodder for ways to blame me.

Life has been busy. Joseph just turned three, in the course of which we've taken the crib out of his room and apart, because he really didn't want to switch to the twin bed. (We're months from needing even the bassinet, and I suspect a bit longer before we move on to using the crib again and making Joseph share his room with Sibling. But I still want him well past trying to crawl in with Sibling.)

Speaking of which, we don't get to be more specific about the baby to come. The ultrasound was beyond inconclusive as far as gender goes; the baby was turned the wrong way and had its legs folded in front. (They got clear views of everything else, which looked normal and confirmed it's exactly the age we thought it was.) Ah, well, we just need two conversations about baby names then. I have already vetoed Derek Eric Yorikk Patrick.

There's another family crisis happening, alas: Colin's aunt has pancreatic cancer, which hits fast. On the one hand, this meant we got extra visits from his father and sister and even some of his cousins. While those visits were focused on aunt L., they did take time to see us and visit (My father-in-law and sister-in-law both stayed part time at our house; the cousins only came for dinner, with their two kids near Joseph's age. A fact which pleased him greatly.) which made it a sort of a silver lining. On the other hand, it's also had the opposite effect on my mother in law's long-since-planned visit to see us and Joseph in the vicinity of his birthday, in that she's also been taking some days over there. Colin and I (and JoJo) were dealing with colds which mostly meant not wanting to infect an elderly and ill lady, we're not only due to visit, once everybody else has gone, we're likely going to be among the few left who can see her as regularly (She has a goodly passel of friends, as well as family, though.) Her sister lives in Steinbach, and while she's been staying over in the city a lot, it's a hard job for an 80-some year old.

(And within 2 days of learning about that, I learned that one of my own Uncles - not much seen as an adult but a notable influence on my childhood - had a fatal heart attack. It's not the same as it might be if it were a relation I see several times a year, and not one far off in Northern Alberta, but it made a sad time sadder)

And of course, my hips decided to give me a crisis moment over the last weekend, when I was having trouble crossing a room. All muscle spasm stuff, not worse, but the heavy-duty relaxants they normally prescribe are contraindicated for pregnant women (The normal ones are, too). They've eased some since, and a physio has given me some useful stretches assuming I keep being good and doing them.

And I realise all this makes it sound like it's been more of a downer lately than it has been. And really, it hasn't (I suspect things with Aunt L. will get much more real much closer to the end, and after.) I mostly feel good, at least when I get sleep. Speaking of which....

(I had a pile of writing related thinkies I decided warranted their own post.)

I'm due March 19th.