lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
One of my goals once July and its attendant festivals* was over, and after a couple of weeks of normalcy to get myself back in the groove, I had a chance to review how my goals and my organization went.

Overall, the results were positive. Not perfect, but what is? I had gone form very occasional doodling to semi-regular drawing, I came up with the theme and general idea for a pair of paintings I want to make for Alex. I got back into practicing with the mandolin, and based on the advice of a friend, managed to get the Silly Goose (the octave mandolin) back in playable order.

The funniest bit was mentioning the mere existence of Habitica, and what it does (Basically gives you mini 16 bit style characters in a party of your choice, and pretends getting chores and such done is an RPG.) and having the friend I was talking to literally download it before I was done and get started even while I was still debating it. It did turn into one of my better ways to keep on track and figure out what areas I needed to focus on.

So:
- Art. Might as well lead with the big one. Because while drawing and getting ideas for paintings, above, were short term get-back-into-this goals, the long term goal was to get back into pottery. Thing is, with full time work plus kids at home, I was hesitant to consider renting a studio space on my own; I just can't be there enough to justify it. OTOH, pottery was an art I didn't really want to do too much in front of the kids.

At the exact same time, one of my best friends, B, is also moving out of her multi-story home for mobility issues reasons, which means the craft/studio space she was slowly renovating was neither going to be accessible nor used. So she started looking at alternates. Someone did offer her a partial space in another studio, because he'd lost the person he was sharing space with an couldn't afford the fee alone, but she was waffling. I thought if we rented one shared studio spot, it could work; B and I work somewhat different hours, so even if the access time or the space was so strictly limited we couldn't both be there at the same time, we could probably make it work (And if we COULD be there together sometimes, that would be even better.) Two people using it part time seemed to fit better than one using it part time. She was at least willing for me to ask around.

For myself, I knew OF two possible studio spaces in town, three if you count the other one B was being offered. While my absolute dream location, the Stoneware Gallery, has high-fire gas kilns, they also have high costs, limited access, and long waiting lists. I could not likely have got a studio spot there but I might be able to do a class -- which would give me access to the kilns.

In the meantime, B and I have been helping out in Novembers with producing chili bowls for the Edge Studio and Gallery, who do a December fundraiser. The Edge is a fabulous set-up that has everything I could possibly want *except* gas kilns; wheels, electric kilns, glazes.... I thought that I could also contact Elise and get on a waiting list. I was assuming it would take time.

Well, as far as I can tell, my timing was perfect. There was not one but two spots open, which is not apparently that common. The cost is about half what it would be to take a CLASS at Stoneware Gallery. Elise who runs the Edge pretty much was WAITING for us. And delighted. And kind of said when we came to look at the specifics that we weren't going to be allowed to leave without a contract. It IS true that the better space was down stairs, but B was willing to at least give it a try for a month or two, even if she does end up deciding it's too many stairs and she needs a main floor space (Smaller and much much more in demand.)

So, I need to send her the fee for September now (B has to start in October, which Elise would *not* be willing to wait for if I wasn't taking the spot in the meantime but because I am she is), but I can pretty much start moving some of my pottery stuff right now. Elise actually made it clear that I could start USING the space right now, but I suspect the rest of August will be sorting my pottery supplies and figuring out what I do want to take along, which will clear up shelf space at home as well. So, that kind of went from zero to sixty in a month flat.

I feel a bit sad to take myself off the Stoneware Gallery waiting list so soon after I added myself again, but unless I switch to part time work, there is no way I have the time for two different studios, even with different kinds of clay in each, and *unless* I am working at least part time, I definitely would not have the funds to afford both.

(And B's other friend with the studio spot he's worried he'll lose? Well, Elise recognized his name and said to invite him over while she has her other spot open; it would be cheaper and she has a better set up than the studio he's in, which is a perfectly decent place, but I am not going to name it as we ARE talking about poaching one of their people.)

- Household stuff. I did a couple of the sorts of jobs that are usually put off and off and again; things like "Go through and sort out and scrub down this shelf full of stuff". Basic house cleaning and maintenance and such has been vastly helped by my mother in law being here for her summer visit, so I can't take credit for much of it, though I do have tasks in Habitica and it did help while she was away. But I only finished half my original sticker page before I decided to make a new one.

- Music. Right now it really looks like I have to keep on with the mandolin alone, as there is simply going to be no room in my life for choir. I am finding it a bit hard while my mother in law is here, because I'm still in the picking up skills again phase where I feel especially awkward playing where other (adults) can hear me (Alex has sometimes been very helpful, and sometimes very not helpful but enthused and interested) and she's more likely to randomly wander in on me. But I figure as long as I don't *stop* I should be fine. Fixing the Silly Goose helped as overall I like the sound of the octave mandolin better. It also confirmed, alas, that I really did restring the Angry Chicken wrong; it worked okay for a little while after the first week, but it's developed a buzz and I know exactly why. I have the strings to replace the mis-tied ones, I just don't really want to do yet more restringing so soon after the last time. So I'm stalling.

- Kids. I added stuff regarding Joseph and Alex after a few weeks of just trying to pick up creative or household habits, and we will see how those work out more the next time around. Having my mother in law has somewhat taken pressure off me as she wants time to hang out with the kids while she's here.

- Colin. Colin got a new job! Yay! On the other hand, that means he isn't getting things done in the house on his good days. It ALSO means expecting him to do too much household work is unfair, in a way it wasn't a couple of months ago.

But also. The thing with adding chore time and active art time and writing time and more actively interactive kid time to my schedule is that while mostly it's meant to replace sitting there doing the social media thing or the Candy Crush fidget games thing, it can eat into time spent *with* my husband. It could also, if I let it, make him into the support structure for me and my doings. So I had to stop and consciously build the idea of PLANNING for "These are days Colin goes and does his own thing and I am the one at home with kids", "These are the down-time days or times we're both home and can do normal domestic life stuff **with each other**" and "Date Night!" (and "Social time with friends"). Because otherwise it would be easy, too easy, to run off to the studio at every possible turn. Fortunately, for every activity I want to do for myself, he has a near-equivalent I can encourage him to do, and while it makes the schedule a bit busy looking, it's not as bad as at first glance.

- Writing. Writing kind of slipped through the cracks a bit. Some of it is ongoing struggles with too much rewriting and not enough new stuff, and not enough time to really sit and focus on new prose when a 4 year old jumps or climbs one every few minutes (This is not much of an exaggeration). On the plus side, active agent seeking did NOT, in that sending things to agencies is one of my chores right now, and I've been getting it done again.

____________________

* Winnipeg Folk Festival and Winnipeg Fringe Theatre Festival, I've been volunteering for both for over 20 years, and they are a key part of my summer most of the time, physically exhausting but often mentally refreshing. This year was decent but not jump up and down exciting for both, but really the only things I wanted to write or talk about re either were the sketches I made as part of my art goals -- Dig far enough in my twitter feed [profile] lenorarosesff and between the politics there are indeed doodles -- and a band I recced over on facebook, the Young'Uns, who sound like trad British folk harmony, much of it a capella, but with social justice lyrics. One sample here: Be the Man
lenora_rose: At Tara in this fateful hour, I call on all heaven with its power... (At this Fateful Hour)
A thing that has been happening lately is that I have been finding myself sort of coasting. Doing only the sort of bare bones habitual activities, and not really stretching.

It happens.

Some of it was the kids, and more was that dropping some hobbies because of the kids led to being out of the habit once the kids stopped being as much of an impediment.

Recognizing it is one thing, but when I started looking at the things I might do instead... I had SO MANY THINGS, art stuff and house stuff and worky stuff and.... I would end up kind of freezing up. I could push past it once in a while to say "just get *this* done", but overall, it was easy to slide back into habit.

And writing down some household stuff to do on a general list wasn't helping, because there wasn't a good reason why that, and not something else.

I also caught myself chronically spending too much time on social media at work, and not being terribly productive (And also getting more work done in the last two hours at work than in the first 5). I managed to start curtailing that via a regime unrelated to the productivity stuff I am actually going to discuss once I get to the point. (This is part of the reason I have been poking at dreamwidth more, too. And yes, both reading and writing on dreamwidth feels more substantial. And has *noticeably* less time cost.)

I also realized music alone was not keeping me on track, even though it has an undeniable positive effect. So I started listening more to podcasts when I have the kind of data entry work that is a tedious drill-through-this job.

Specifically, I decided to try Productivity Alchemy, because Ursula Vernon and Kevin Sonney are usually entertaining. I tried the then-current one (A report on return-from China plus answering letters), decided it seemed to contain enough amusing stuff to make up for the fact that at its core it's about planners and organizational systems, and besides, hey, I might pick up the odd tip that worked for me despite myself.

It helps, once I got back to the beginning, to learn that Ursula is herself very much a Planner and System Skeptic, and thus a bit of a voice for those of us who think that planners are not things we could ever get in the habit of carrying -- even as she was on the podcast because of deadlines and issues she knew needed to be handled in a more organized and systematic way. And Kevin, the one who loves planners and systems, admits to semi-regularly getting derailed in his organization, and having to haul himself back on track. So, not a podcast done by people who are perfect planning gurus.

So the first two episodes seemed a bit dry except for some smiles and giggles, and very rambly (Though rambly is part of the K&U style) but it picked up, especially with the inclusion of interviews that mean we get other voices.

I started thinking that while a standard planner isn't so much for me, I could see how maybe one of the custom-set-ups that's mostly notebook with some quirky brainstorming pages -- and only partly a planner -- might fool me into carrying it. (And some of them can be pretty. I don't think I don't know a writer, even an all-on-the-computer-writer, who's not at least a little drawn to pretty stationary as an abstract concept.)

I even took a couple of notes. And I mentioned to Colin that we had at least two things where we kind of should decide if we were going to get involved again, for real and properly, or not, though even that was at the time a very disorganized idea.

Then I hit the episodes about formulating goals.

And I don't know, it was like a switch flipped in my head.

I mean it sounds self evident when I say it out, but it was what made sense to me, more than anything: what I needed, to figure out WHAT goals were most important, to figure out which of the many many things I, and in some cases, we, needed to work on.

Goals also led to deadlines. For instance, the priorities in house work (not counting basic maintenance), including the renos, right now are focused on two goals: keeping our kitchen, our main visiting space, as a suitable space for visitors, and getting ready for Colin's mother's summer stay. (The room with the spare bed is ALSO our main storage room AND the place Colin dumped all his computer room stuff when We made Alex his own bedroom, so some of it is definitely not just cleaning, but organizing and getting rid of stuff.)

For music, I started back into singing with the church choir then slid back out of it right after Easter, because it was still too hard to maintain as a schedule while dealing with the kids and the rest of life. But Folk Fest is coming, and I have assigned myself to practice the mandolin again at least until; then, with the aim to feel comfortable playing it in the music circle, or at least practicing there where others might hear me. And if I do the practice but don't feel I am ready, that's okay, at least I tried.

Pottery was a weird one, because I KNOW getting back into pottery on a more regular basis than spending November making the Edge Gallery a few bowls is a goal that is deeply important to me... but with July, and Folk and Fringe coming, now is not the time to explore that one. (There are also dozens upon dozens of goals on the way in it that aren't worth going into).

But what I COULD do is start working on getting back into drawing as a habitual thing. So I picked up a good hardback sketchbook and a set of pencils and charcoal (I have sketchbooks around... somewhere.... and art pencils and charcoals too. It seemed more efficient and faster to just buy new ones and have them ready on the spot than to dig. For now.)

And a couple of things popped up as not-nows specifically because I looked at my goals and saw that they don't fit time-wise. Our lawn and garden areas are a disaster, and long term, yes, those are things I want to amend, ideally with a focus on local plants outside the vegetable patch (Which probably requires the services of a full on landscaper to plan)... but *I* am not doing anything about it this year. This year is about mowing, and maybe in fall, getting Colin to consolidate his wood stacks and tools before the snow falls.

I may not have gone to planners, but I made myself sticker charts for successes. And I made them purple and blue and kinda pretty, and not unlike the charts we had for Joseph before. I did realise that there is a reason I might need to put such things in a planner book, though: Putting them up where they're visible in the kitchen (which I did anyhow) seems like a great idea until I imagine what Joseph or Alex could do to them. At least in a planner they might be safe...

June and pre-Folk July is a testing period, to see if I have indeed found a method that works to get me back into these habits, and ingrain them. If so, the next steps are clearer; decide if the visible chart or the efficient planner are better, and if so, why. Then, the next thing to start thinking about *applying* goals to is kid activities, doing craft projects together or getting them up and moving and playing more with more things. (I don't want to do the common modern parent mistake of over-scheduling them, but there are days we definitely do the opposite and let them idle too much...)
lenora_rose: (Default)
Context note: I originally wrote this particular not-quite-essay up for my brother after some discussion. He is the "You" referenced along the way.  

So. I started doing a point by point examination of Damore's manifesto, fisking style, and while it helped me pick apart his arguments, it wandered wildly off the actual questions at hand. So instead I am trying again, with a reframing. It will include significant excerpts of the fisking, but with an attempt to stay on topic.


Question number one: Is Zunger's interpretation "we should stop trying to make it possible for women to be engineers, it’s just not worth it." remotely an accurate depiction of the memo and its final gist? If not, is the interpretation you gave (in extreme short form: "That gender ratios in tech are not well-explained by sexist behaviour in tech companies ... It's a major recurring theme, arguably THE theme, of Gary's memo that people should be judged as individuals and not as members of groups") itself a fair and complete interpretation?

The really really short answer is "Zunger is overstating at best, and you are right to take him to task for it -- but there's a lot more unpleasance going on than you seem to think." Most of the rest of this will be focused on coming back to this answer.

Question number two, added later: Is Damore plausibly a well-meaning but socially clueless and possibly-on-the-spectrum person or an actual bigot as he is portrayed by detractors?

Not really a short answer, but an immediate one: I'm not exactly sure what led you to read him as possibly autistic. My read is a bit socially clueless, but more in the vein of "spends too much time coding and reading articles about people and not enough time interacting with them" AND actually a bit of a bigot.

While the dividing line is fuzzy between being socially clueless because he hasn't gone out and practiced, and being socially clueless because his brain literally works differently, I do not subscribe to treating him as a case of prejudice against autism. If nothing else, my impression is that the prejudice he displays is very real. And his actions, no matter his neurology, warranted firing.

I'm also wary that this falls close to a common trope in geek circles; the tendency to attribute bad elements (sexual harassers in particular, and other social assholes in general) to possible Asperger's, when such people most often display GREATER social acumen (in the case of sexual harassers in particular, in how they isolate their victims and code-switch when their audience is more mixed or all male. But, well, as examples, neither Thrym nor Mike read as remotely Asperger's, and nobody in Winnipeg that I know of has suggested it, but in other circles, men who have behaved exactly like them have had someone ask "in all innocence" if it explains them...)

In this case, there is a veneer of intellectualism to Damore's bigotry, which could be read that way, but I really think is better attributed to general life inexperience. A lot of NT men, especially post-grads/intellectually inclined, have talked about things they have said in their twenties that were in this range of "I read too many articles and didn't talk to enough people".

None of this above is aught but opinion, but it's also as complete an answer as I can give to question two at all.

Back to question one.

Here's my interpretation of the memo in the TL:DR version:

Damore's memo's central point is a combination of the key things in his own TL:DR (short version: Google has a strong leftward bias which makes it likely they are both stifling conservatives and committing to unproven programs out of ideology), and the desire to be rid of those same programs, which he sees as discriminatory; those that are aimed mostly or exclusively towards training of or hiring of minorities and/or women.

He accuses that leftward bias of encouraging extremism and authoritarianism by the left without producing evidence that anything in Google is in fact authoritarian. (It IS true that a leftward bias might move the Overton Window too far and open it to the biased excesses of feminist extremes, but it is not a given that this has happened to Google. Even his own firing, which is justifiable on many grounds besides ideology, is evidence of it only to people like Vox Day or the white nationalists talking about protest marches on Google headquarters this coming week. ( http://amp.timeinc.net/fortune/2017/08/11/google-diversity-memo-alt-right-protest/?source=dam ).

To support this, he calls on science, discussing the average tendencies of women to try and demonstrate that there should be little need to fight the gender gap at all (including paragraphs acknowledging that these averages are overlapping and full of exceptions but then making suggestions which treat the nature of women as vastly more uniform and immutable).

He suggests changes to narrow the gender gap which have no data to back them, and the abolishment of programs he sees as discriminatory, including not only those related to gender but those related to race.

He endeavours to paint Google's leftward bias as equivalent to climate change denial, the desire to support a better gender and racial parity in the workplace as coming from a paternalistic protective streak towards women and "those seen as weak", and emphasizes a need to support the psychological safety of conservatives over that of minorities more traditionally discriminated against.

His decision regarding delivery mechanism -- essentially sending it to every fellow employee -- is itself a major problem. Not just for use of company resources, though that alone is a firing offense, but because it literally forces every woman and every racial minority on the spot to worry whether their coworkers believe that they are there on their own merits, despite Google already being known to hire the best of the best as regards software skills. Because by describing the programs that support their entry as discriminatory, and stating aloud that they possibly lead to lowering the bar (yes, there is a line to that effect present), the memo leaves it possible to point to any of them and say "You're only here because the bar was lowered for you, so you are not *really* my equal." The same memo that suggests that affirmative action practices increase racial and gendered tensions and that this is bad increases them severalfold by laying out that implication and essentially making sure every minority and woman in the place has to see it.

This does not read to me as the work of a centrist looking to ask for better understanding across the board. This is the work of someone who genuinely believes that attempts to support people who are traditionally held back from entering some fields is discrimination against him as the prior norm.

He does not at any point say anything like Zunger wrote, and you are partly right that he makes a few paragraphs of bending over backwards to acknowledge overlaps and averages. But I do not disagree with those who inferred that he wishes to exclude more women from the job, and who feel that what he has said, if allowed to propagate within Google without active disapproval, is actively detrimental to the life of women and racial minorities in the company.

Rereading Zunger in the wake of picking apart the manifesto in more detail, I am much less satisfied in general with Zunger's approach -- his intro paragraph is a mess of that exaggeration you noted and a few others -- but I see a whole lot of merit still in his entire section 2 (about engineering), and I have just laid out a defense for his section three -- not far enough for the whole "Want to punch you in the face" but still for "large swathes of people at the company now feel they could not work with you."

Here are pieces of my initial fisk-style examination (Memo in blue. My commentary not.)

My basic impression of Damore's memo: He says a lot of things which are either factually correct or reasonable. His memo is 90% these things. But the other things overwhelm that, and they are sometimes hidden in the middle of the reasonableness.

  • Google’s political bias has equated the freedom from offense with psychological safety, but shaming into silence is the antithesis of psychological safety.

Freedom from offense.

This is a common and deceptive framing for people not wanting to hear explicitly prejudicial statements against them -- statements which have had a demonstrated negative effect on work. There was a study which showed that simply mentioning a statistic indicating that black people perform worse on a given test to a group of black students right before they take that test (However neutrally and "just the facts" the statement is made) has a visible and demonstrable negative effect on the students' test scores. (First google failure; I kept getting results linking to the Harvard Implicit Bias test…).

Freedom from offense also implies people want to be protected from things that they don't like, no matter what they are. This is a classic misframing: being "offended" is literally not, in itself, a bad thing. A person can be offended because a mom is on her phone at the playground, because a person is on a bicycle on the street, because a person is on a bicycle on the sidewalk… any number of things which one has zero right to be "offended" by. In fact, the usage of the word offense for reactions to everything from outright hurtful shit to breastfeeding, and to describe responses ranging from incandescent rage to eyerolling laughter is part of the reason I am beginning to hate the word.

Describing not wanting to hear discriminatory statements as "freedom from offense" is a statement intended to make such a desire seem more trivial and less of a resistance to actual damaging statements. It's part of the normalizing of prejudice.

"shaming into silence is the antithesis of psychological safety."

Sounds good. If some people can't say what they think, then there isn't safety to be themselves. Pretty tautological… almost.

But then I have to look at what I call the moderator's dilemma.

Which is this: Any place with no moderation whatsoever (beyond deletion of actual spam like "I earned X money working from home!"…) turns into a toxic stew mostly inhabited by trolls spewing profanity. AT BEST, it contains some useful discussion threads that need to be carefully sifted from the whole. And most people either don't bother or refuse to even participate in the first place. You literally lose swathes of people who have much better ideas than what is being aired BECAUSE you refuse to silence anyone.

To maximize the genuine free expression of ideas, you need to remove enough toxic elements to allow those who are silenced by the toxicity to actually appear and speak up. This is why conversation at places with active moderators (eg, Making Light) tends to be much more productive and interesting and varied in subject matter than discussion on say, youtube threads. And it's not just the obvious -- simply having people who like "Arguing passionately" (to the point of haranguing or not letting a subject drop) also drive others away, who are less likely to speak but more likely to have something to say that wasn't already heard. (Abi at Making Light talks a lot about this).

Of course, an excess of deletions CAN stifle conversation in the "Echo chamber" sense. (it also means you lose evidence trails, but that's another discussion). This is why there are some areas, even in the social justice spheres, where deleting comments (including your own) that brought on a negative reaction is something you'd get castigated for doing, even when the moderator blocks you. This is also why TNH came up with disemvowelling to indicate comments (or in some cases, sections of comments) of which she or another moderator disapprove. People can reassemble the evidence and see for themselves, if they are concerned the moderation is stifling ideas, but people can also see explicit disapproval. (It's worth noting some comments end up entirely deleted even though the people are allowed to comment again, some people get their right to post revoked short term, and people are still banned outright. And some people are forced not to post for 24 or 48 hours -- this last happened to Will Shetterly virtually any time he talked about race. One can consider this the debate on tactics, though.)

So, yes, actually, SOME types of ideas do need to be silenced to maximise psychological safety. The debate from there tends to be what is too far.

Of course, this fellow asserts Google culture goes too far. For evidence, he provides…. Well, let's keep going.

(Skip a bunch that is not really arguable or terribly problematic, though some of it is in loaded language)

At Google, we talk so much about unconscious bias as it applies to race and gender, but we rarely discuss our moral biases. Political orientation is actually a result of deep moral preferences and thus biases. Considering that the overwhelming majority of the social sciences, media, and Google lean left, we should critically examine these prejudices.

Left Biases

Right Biases

Compassion for the weak

Respect for the strong/authority

Disparities are due to injustices

Disparities are natural and just

Humans are inherently cooperative

Humans are inherently competitive

Change is good (unstable)

Change is dangerous (stable)

Open

Closed

Idealist

Pragmatic

 

5/6 of these are merely subjective preferences, with argument reasonable for both sides. But right there in the middle. "Disparities are natural and just" is a really nice way to say "You're poor because you deserve it" and "Black people are half-savages" and "women just can't handle things men can".

SOME disparities can be concluded as just. A fast food counter-minder or floor-sweeper should not make the same as a chef or electrician. (Though they should all make a living). A junkie will lose their job to a sober person and that is just (though the junkie deserves some compassion and access to support in getting off drugs). An amateur singer should enjoy their singing but not be expecting to make millions. If leftists seriously believed otherwise it *would* be a problem.

But somehow, outside satire like Harrison Bergeron, these are not the "disparities" that are meant when conservatives argue disparities are just. When poked, when examined, they are nigh universally trying to justify disparities between gender or race or the offering of services to poor people.

Pretending that shrugging off disparities as just is no different from debating whether it's better to be idealist or pragmatic is a horrid false equivalence.

…. In contrast, a company too far to the left will constantly be changing (deprecating much loved services), over diversify its interests (ignoring or being ashamed of its core business), and overly trust its employees and competitors.

Can he demonstrate how Google is ashamed of its core business or overly trusting?

Only facts and reason can shed light on these biases, but when it comes to diversity and inclusion, Google’s left bias has created a politically correct monoculture that maintains its hold by shaming dissenters into silence.

Query, though this is random and beside the point: is there any corporation, left right or middlin', that doesn't strive for a monoculture on some level?

Second, does he have actual evidence Google has deliberately taken steps to shame people into silence? Every article he links meant to support that is about the field of psychology or university campuses.

Lastly, define politically correct?

Because if one goes with Neil Gaiman's framing of "treating people with respect", then shaming people who don't "treat people with respect" into silence seems… healthy?

Does it mean "Don't say 'retard' or 'lame' or tell rape jokes or dead-name someone"? Again…

Here's his own footnote: 'Political correctness is defined as “the avoidance of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against,” which makes it clear why it’s a phenomenon of the Left and a tool of authoritarians.'

That doesn't look far from "treating people with respect". It really doesn't look far from "Don't say 'retard' or 'lame' or tell rape jokes"

It may seem obvious to HIM why this makes it a bad thing, but the freedom to use the word retard or use the wrong pronoun doesn't seem like a way to foster the very psychological safety he wants.There is nobody made more psychologically safe by permission to say "lame".

He may dislike the phrase "perceived to", because there are often a few assholes who overuse rules against anything with the appearance of insult or exclusion. These are called rules-lawyers and they are jerks no matter their political stripe.

The actual reason for the "perception" phrasing is the reverse; it's to fend off rules-lawyers on the opposite side, who want to BE insulting and discriminatory and who would find a way to twist up any firm rule.

The article he links to discussing PC-Authoritarians discusses them as one of two groups of advocates for political correctness. Whereas he paints all usage of PC as falling into the one camp.

For the rest of this document, I’ll concentrate on the extreme stance that all differences in outcome are due to differential treatment

So by his own admission, he is attacking an extremist position, which he has offered no evidence is in fact that of anyone inside Google.

and the authoritarian element that’s required to actually discriminate to create equal representation.

Affirmative action programs are authoritarian. Looking at definitions and examples of authoritarianism, this only makes sense to me if one believes any social support program meant to correct a prior systematic injustice is authoritarian.

Possible non-bias causes of the gender gap in tech [3]

At Google, we’re regularly told that implicit (unconscious) and explicit biases are holding women back in tech and leadership. Of course, men and women experience bias, tech, and the workplace differently and we should be cognizant of this, but it’s far from the whole story.

So here's what YOU see as the thesis. Damore, by contrast, declares it the first piece of evidence against the extremism and authoritarianism above.

On average, men and women biologically differ in many ways.

On average, I would not disagree.

 These differences aren’t just socially constructed because:

  • They’re universal across human cultures
  • They often have clear biological causes and links to prenatal testosterone
  • Biological males that were castrated at birth and raised as females often still identify and act like males
  • The underlying traits are highly heritable
  • They’re exactly what we would predict from an evolutionary psychology perspective

Evolutionary psychology as a field has a bad reputation among social justice groups overall. Some argue it has some merit, just not as initially applied. Others pretty much distrust anything that comes from anyone who claims the name without some kind of caveat recognizing its problematic origins.

I gave myself a headache of sorts looking into evolutionary psychology, both defenses of and criticisms. My final conclusion is that it has some merit as a tool, but is still easy to twist in support of sexism -- partly because that was its origin.

The gist of it is this: we can look into some of the ways people (across populations and in general) behave now, and attempt to make a conjecture why that trait evolved. Then they take that theory and attempt to test it. Well, not the idea why the trait evolved, that's physically impossible to test. They usually test whether the behaviour they claim exists actually exists.

The problem with this is… testing the existence of the behaviour NOW actually teaches nothing about whether it was an evolved trait or a societally driven one. The base assumption that a trait that exists now has existed for 100,000 years or more literally cannot be tested. The closest they can come are traits common to most/all societies, which are implicitly more likely to be older. (Another issue that has been raised is the assumption we are not still evolving.)

Even more, the people who started evolutionary psychology as the thing pretty much outright did it in an attempt to prove that gender roles as they were in the 1970s (with a focus upon sexual relations and sexual appeals) were something humankind has always had, and that we should therefore preserve gender roles, not strive to alter them. In short, they were trying to give a scientific veneer to sexism.

The roles they promoted are much more egregiously sexist than the roles that modern supporters tend to link and cite, and apologists for evolutionary psychology see this as proof it's a science and uses the scientific method. "See, we rejected the bad data and now we're getting closer to the truth."

But there are those who consider this itself a variation of iterated Naziism (to refer to something I linked before): "We couldn't prove the gender differences included all the things we wanted to prove, but what if we claim we have data for this much of the gender difference? We do if we massage it right and elide these bits." And I have to say, the evidence both for and against seems to massage data or shrug off nuance before presenting it. A LOT. some of what some of its proponents seem to think is proven is… really more debatable than they want to make it sound. (and some of what its detractors take as utterly destroying it… doesn't do any better.)

Part of the reason some responders appear to be saying there is no real gender difference whatsoever is a rejection of this iterated Nazi effect.

Yet … most people when asked about the subject without evolutionary psychology, would grant SOME difference between genders. Physical science has also seen some differences between male brains, female brains, and transgender brains. (Another whole discussion though.) So observing some differences in behaviour and general trends between genders, is also to be expected. Some of these WILL logically have developed longer ago than others, even prehistorically.

Sounds great, until you start reading someone saying that women don't go into jobs like upper management because the long hours, frequent travel schedule, unpredictable crises, and amount of work required outside of work hours are detrimental to the work-life balance women prefer.

Then look at how many low-status jobs women are known for also contain the above.

Until you see these trends being applied to all people of that gender regardless of how many caveats are written saying this is on average. Unless you see it being used to excuse wildly different treatments despite the visible overlaps.

In any case, all that history, all that explanation why some people flinch or throw things at the mention of evopsych is beside the point. So far nothing stated has been terribly wrong.

Note, I’m not saying that all men differ from women in the following ways or that these differences are “just.” I’m simply stating that the distribution of preferences and abilities of men and women differ in part due to biological causes and that these differences may explain why we don’t see equal representation of women in tech and leadership. Many of these differences are small and there’s significant overlap between men and women, so you can’t say anything about an individual given these population level distributions.

This is the paragraph (And attached diagram, which I am cutting out but am aware exists) you seem to see as his central point, despite the fact that if judging people as individuals were the point, he wouldn’t have had to raise evopsych or the actual differences between men and women at all. Remember, he's defending himself here against an extreme stance he has not actually proven is more prevalent than a more moderate stance.

Reading over my comments in the Female traits section, other than the note that he does not acknowledge the studies showing women being assertive in business environments are punished socially for it, I mostly didn't have big objections or pick apart much of interest. My biggest objection came at the end:

The problems women mostly talk about when talking about discrimination in tech are not problems of having the inclination, or having the ability. By the time we're talking about the people trying to work for Google, we're looking at people who already skip past all these averages and have a declared interest in a non-feminine field.

I have more to say in the next area, though again, this is all more of a side trip than the general point.

Men’s higher drive for status

We always ask why we don’t see women in top leadership positions, but we never ask why we see so many men in these jobs.

I literally cannot see a way you can ask the one without asking the other. When we are looking at what traits women lack, we are implicitly suggesting the men have those traits. When we are looking at aspects of a job women prefer, we are implying what men prefer. When we are looking at systematic exclusion, we are implicitly noting systematic INCLUSION. Assuming a binary, and for these purposes, we can briefly elide those populations that do not fit the binary -- in most positions they suffer if anything MORE discrimination -- you literally cannot examine why women are not in top leadership positions without some data suggested about men. EVERY STUDY about women in power is pretty much obliged to use men as a control sample.

 These positions often require long, stressful hours that may not be worth it if you want a balanced and fulfilling life.

Again, so do many jobs typically held by women, they're just low status. The argument about women and ability to cope with stress seems much more suited to arguing why women are so much less often firefighters than why women are rarely CEOs. Besides, what has this to do with tech? Tech jobs aren't top leadership.

Status is the primary metric that men are judged on [4], pushing many men into these higher paying, less satisfying jobs for the status that they entail. Note, the same forces that lead men into high pay/high stress jobs in tech and leadership cause men to take undesirable and dangerous jobs like coal mining, garbage collection, and firefighting, and suffer 93% of work-related deaths

Are they the literal same drives? I am skeptical. Some of these areas also have an explicable difference in the physical divergence between the genders, not in their psychological differences. And coal mining is geographically focused -- in locations which tend towards much more conservative culture and gender roles.

I wonder how many studies have been done on how much more often women insist on, and/or follow, safety regulations?

But this is nitpicking, really. I am at least willing to assume there's some basis to the general point.

Still, this entire thing seems like a non-sequitur for tech jobs, few of which are as high status as is required for the gender difference in status-seeking to be a big part of the problem. Equating software engineering with top leadership is definitely as weird as comparing it with coal mining.

Non-discriminatory ways to reduce the gender gap

Below I’ll go over some of the differences in distribution of traits between men and women that I outlined in the previous section and suggest ways to address them to increase women’s representation in tech without resorting to discrimination. Google is already making strides in many of these areas, but I think it’s still instructive to list them:

This section is part of where I started really feeling skeeved out. And confused. If the gender gap is determined by our psychology, then why is it necessary to help reduce it? His caveats so far have included ONE line which implies sure, the psychology is not the complete story, and lots of "on average" caveats.

Let's assume this was a blip in writing, he meant to say, "despite these differences, some of the gap is based on discrimination against women. So how do we help reduce the remaining gap?"

Which he does… with the same thing he is using to explain why at least some of the gender gap is explicable and pardonable.

Never mind those women who want the job as written, who are exceptions to averages.

I feel like I'm seeing several contradictions in those last four paragraphs. We don't need to make this job more appealing to women, but we can do these things to make them so. Women should be judged as individuals not subsumed in average differences, but we need to accommodate their blanket different thinking by these methods.

This whole section also suddenly becomes weirdly citation free. He provides no evidence these things -- without any other initiatives -- reduce the gender gap. And several of them are either vague or counter-productive, with one another if not with the stated goal.

He later goes on to suggest getting rid of all affirmative action type projects -- he's technically already done it, just not at length -- but this is all he has to replace them. It's like replacing the ACA with Trumpcare. There's no evidence any of this has a real impact, and where it does, some of it seems intended to do the opposite of the declared objective.

This is one of the places that, whatever else you feel about Zunger's commentary, he makes  a lot of points directly addressing these things.

  • Women on average show a higher interest in people and men in things
    • We can make software engineering more people-oriented with pair programming and more collaboration. Unfortunately, there may be limits to how people-oriented certain roles and Google can be and we shouldn’t deceive ourselves or students into thinking otherwise (some of our programs to get female students into coding might be doing this). (evidence? This sentence is clearly speculation, but it's also alarmist in tone. There's nothing cited to suggest any program is deceiving its students about how people oriented the tech jobs are, but neither is there proof  that telling people at this late a stage that tech jobs are not people-oriented would put women off the job.)
  • Women on average are more cooperative
    • Allow those exhibiting cooperative behavior to thrive. (Which means what?)Recent updates to Perf may be doing this to an extent, but maybe there’s more we can do.
    • This doesn’t mean that we should remove all competitiveness from Google. Competitiveness and self reliance can be valuable traits and we shouldn’t necessarily disadvantage those that have them, like what’s been done in education (This article goes to considerable length to say that what men need is a more traditionally masculine upbringing and more father figures and masculine roles.)
  • Women on average are more prone to anxiety.
    • Make tech and leadership less stressful. Google already partly does this with its many stress reduction courses and benefits. (Another generic solution for a specific problem. Also of note later.)
  • Women on average look for more work-life balance while men have a higher drive for status on average
    • Unfortunately, as long as tech and leadership remain high status, lucrative careers, men may disproportionately want to be in them. Allowing and truly endorsing (as part of our culture) part time work though can keep more women in tech.

On the reverse, it seems like the way to get men to actually embrace more work life balance is simple, and it has nothing to do with women. If more men take time off for family, and come back to their jobs with no ill consequences, more men want to take time off for family. This is what has happened in companies and countries where parental time off is an option for both genders -- nothing happened with the fathers until some man actually took the leave and became a seed crystal to catalyze the others. So why is this not a part of his offered solutions?

Part time is rarely a solution in high tech jobs because it's darn near impossible to either rise in a company by part time means, or to do the upper level work on lower hours. Offering part time jobs almost always means offering them as low-status positions only. By contrast, flex-time options that still add up to full hours and a lot of time shared with fellow employees tend to be preferred higher end solutions for work-life. And once women demand and get it, some men start taking it too.

 

  • The male gender role is currently inflexible
    • Feminism has made great progress in freeing women from the female gender role, but men are still very much tied to the male gender role. If we, as a society, allow men to be more “feminine,” then the gender gap will shrink, although probably because men will leave tech and leadership for traditionally feminine roles. (So shortly after endorsing traditionally masculine upbringng and attitudes, he endorses feminizing men. Maybe he thinks he means being the seed crystal guy in the point above? Or maybe he's just unaware he's offering opposites as solutions. He's certainly implying that men who are allowed to be more feminine will want to leave tech -- which is itself another implication "women don't really want to be here anyhow" -- not just seek options that allow more work-life balance.)

;">Philosophically, I don’t think we should do arbitrary social engineering of tech just to make it appealing to equal portions of both men and women. For each of these changes, we need principled reasons for why it helps Google; that is, we should be optimizing for Google—with Google’s diversity being a component of that.

Which sounds like admitting he doesn't have any proof for any of these, and doesn't even really want to bother with any of them and these solutions are all coming out of his ass. But oh, yes, by the way, he really does want diversity.

 
The Harm of Google’s biases

I strongly believe in gender and racial diversity, and I think we should strive for more. However, to achieve a more equal gender and race representation, Google has created several discriminatory practices:

How you could let him have a pass for something like this while complaining about the logical gaps of his detractors, I don't know.

When did race come into this? Why are we suddenly talking about racism when he has talked this far exclusively about gender gap and gender bias? Does he have evidence of racial disparity being based on genuine difference? I doubt it. I highly doubt it. I also suspect he skipped that because if he tried to include such a section, his opinion would lose the veneer of respectability.

  • Programs, mentoring, and classes only for people with a certain gender or race.
  •  A high priority queue and special treatment for “diversity” candidates
  • Hiring practices which can effectively lower the bar for “diversity” candidates by decreasing the false negative rate (link is private. Not very helpful. )

I've already noted that even accusing a business of lowering the bar to let in certain minority candidates is a way to increase hostility towards those candidates by raising doubts about their qualifications. And "Oh, but we didn't mean you, Julie. You're a good one." comments aren't reassuring, as they represent a kind of "divide and conquer" or "exceptional female" attitude which is the reverse of really embracing diversity.

However, I also have to say, almost every time someone has argued that one is lowering the bar for diversity, there's some evidence that mediocre, just-barely-hired people in the NON-diverse group are the main ones to suffer, and that the candidates perceived as "less qualified" are at least as qualified as the mediocre candidates they replaced. So you're not generally losing good people to less qualified candidates. Often, too, at the top level of resumes, the differences aren't nearly as meaningful.

  • Reconsidering any set of people if it’s not “diverse” enough, but not showing that same scrutiny in the reverse direction (clear confirmation bias)

I'm not even sure how this works. In what way should a diverse group be "reconsidered" if they are already diverse? In what way are non-diverse groups reconsidered? Does he mean non-diverse groups have their actual production questioned and diverse groups do not? That WOULD be heinous and I think it's what he wants us to think, but it's also unclear that this is what is happening.

I suspect all it means is that if a group forms that is 8 white dudes, the upper levels mention it should be more diverse, but if a group of 8 gets formed that includes three women and three PoC {in overlapping circles}, the upper management doesn't blink.

  • Setting org level OKRs for increased representation which can incentivize illegal discrimination [6]

Illegal discrimination sounds horrible. But what does it mean? His footnote doesn't especially clarify.

I also have no idea what the techy words in this translate to, or the footnote except that he wants smaller groups within the company to hire diversely, not the company as a whole. I think.

  • These practices are based on false assumptions generated by our biases and can actually increase race and gender tensions. We’re told by senior leadership that what we’re doing is both the morally and economically correct thing to do, but without evidence this is just veiled left ideology [7] that can irreparably harm Google.

That last link is worth reading and thinking about.

It is not, in itself, proof that Google as a whole is failing to observe the effects of its policies, especially since working for Google itself, in a specific diverse department, with a specific (diverse) team, creates a basis for "Common interests" which is one of the main things the very same article cites as helping to decrease tensions.

Does he have evidence they lack evidence? Does he have evidence they have made changes this large, and don't know what they are doing or who it benefits?

Overall, the whole gist here is "Eliminate ALL of the known programs to promote diversity because I feel they discriminate against ME." After presenting what he feels is considerable evidence to  indicate that the gender bias against women is natural and to be expected, he proposes "solutions" with no supported evidence they will fix the gender gap, suggests removing nearly every instance of actual programs to help increase the number of women in the industry, and claims they are harmful to Google without presenting evidence how.

He offers NO evidence suggesting the racial gap is natural or normal, yet nonetheless suggests deleting all programs designed to decrease the racial gap, citing only one article discussing increased tensions in universities (Which article itself proposes solutions he never mentions.)

The footnote is another evidence-free opinion.

(And whatever the demerits of its awful title - I hate the title so much - the essay "I'm a woman in Tech. Let me Ladysplain the Google Memo to you" has some pretty firm points on this section:

"Many defenders of the manifesto have eagerly, and, as far as I can tell, earnestly, pointed me to the manifesto writer’s frequent claims to support diversity in the abstract, as if these are supposed to be reassuring. (“I value diversity and inclusion, am not denying that sexism exists. ...”) They are not reassuring. The object of his memo is to end programs at Google that were designed, with input from a great many people who are educated and focused on this issue, to improve diversity. If those programs are killed, absent a commensurate effort to create replacement programs that have plausible ability to be at least as effective, the result is to harm diversity at Google.

He does make some recommendations, but they range from impotent (“Make tech and leadership less stressful”) to hopelessly vague (“Allow those exhibiting cooperative behavior to thrive”) to outright hostile (“De-emphasize empathy”).

In the end, focusing the conversation on the minutiae of the scientific claims in the manifesto is a red herring. Regardless of whether biological differences exist, there is no shortage of glaring evidence, in individual stories and in scientific studies, that women in tech experience bias and a general lack of a welcoming environment, as do underrepresented minorities. Until these problems are resolved, our focus should be on remedying that injustice. After that work is complete, we can reassess whether small effect size biological components have anything to do with lingering imbalances.

At this point, I only really want to cite one line of his next section:

In addition to the Left’s affinity for those it sees as weak, humans are generally biased towards protecting females.

This is his claimed explanation why there are diversity-supporting programs at all. To protect the weak and female. The number of reasons for diversity support that have nothing to do with weakness or protectiveness are legion, but you know that.

His comparison of Google's leftward bias to climate change warrants little attention. His description of people trying to discuss male problems getting dismissed, is supported not by psychological studies or neutral articles as he tries with everything else, but with an explicitly anti-feminist link -- I can't even.  (He, and it, are not even factually wrong about some of the men's issues, but he didn't write this to discuss changes to the dress code to allow men to wear a greater variety, or to discuss men as victims of physical violence.)

In fact, at this point, without picking apart the remainder of the memo, I think I've advanced a pretty good case that there is a whole lot of actual discrimination present against supporting women or minorities in tech, that the science is not the issue. If you really want me to comment on the section about allowing conservative voices and de-emphasizing empathy etc., ask away. I won't do it now. I have a literal headache.

As an addendum, your interpretation of the memo:

Gary's ACTUAL central point is one we've discussed before and you seemed to agree with, or at minimum be open to: That gender ratios in tech are not well-explained by sexist behaviour in tech companies. Whatever is keeping women out of those companies, most of it happens WAY too early in life to be plausibly explained by that, as gender ratios in high-school programming courses are similar or even worse. And in any case, lots of far more sexist, less feminist-friendly organizations (the Catholic Church jumps immediately to mind) have far better gender ratios! Not to deny that sexist treatment can have an effect, but you can't just read the prevalence of sexist behaviour from an organization's gender ratio in a simple one-to-one fashion. There's something else going on.

You don't have to believe anything overtly un-feminist to think it's entirely possible, even probable, that even in a situation with no sexist discrimination and perfect equality of opportunity, there would STILL be less than 50% women engineers at Google. This does not of course mean that you can assume any GIVEN women isn't a capable engineer; individuals need to be judged as individuals, that's the entire POINT here. But nevertheless, *in the aggregate* women and men are not identical, even feminists are happy to admit this when it suits their immediate rhetorical purposes. The surprise would be if they WERE interested in the same things in the same ratios.

(Writing this is making me pissed off at Zunger all over again. It's a major recurring theme, arguably THE theme, of Gary's memo that people should be judged as individuals and not as members of groups, and he repeatedly acknowledges that there are many solid female engineers at Google….)

You'll notice that very little of this actually falls into the category of "Stuff I had a problem with".

No, I would not expect genuine equality of opportunity between genders to lead to gender parity, though I would expect a smaller gap, a hugely decreased number of instances of sexist behaviour and harassment, an increased reportage of what sexist behaviour and harassment still happens, and more equal gender percentages reflected when assholery in general IS reported. I WOULD expect genuine, pie in the sky equality of opportunity between racial groups to lead to percentages of representation close to those in the population as a whole, but we are so far from that, so much farther than we are from gender equality of opportunity. Similarly, for disparities in class.

You'll also notice that almost none of your interpretation is related to his TL:DR summary of his intent, or his final list of suggested solutions either to the gender gap OR to Google's bias.

lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
(Note. At the bottom, I ask for suggestions. I'm not kidding.)

Once upon a time, in a job interview (Not this recent one - this was years ago), I was asked the dread question of where I wanted to be in five years. I gave what I thought was a reasonable answer; I'd like to still be working within that same business, at a higher eschelon from where I began - then I added the caveat. Not too high. Not a position like controller, or vice president. I wouldn't expect, or want, to have that much control over other employees that soon.

The woman taking the interview wrote, flatly, "No ambition."

I knew I didn't have the job in that moment; if she could that drastically misunderstand my intent, I didn't really regret it. And I've tried to find other accurate ways to answer that which circumvent the question of how much command I want to have over other people.

Should I have said I wanted to be in charge of all of accounting in a mere five years? Not in five years - I think that fast a rise to that high either implies full specialized training or high-level experience elsewhere, not starting as an AP/administrative assistant. I thought I was showing realism.

I was sincere, too, that if I liked the business, I *would* want to keep at the same place for years. After three years being driven crazy there, I would go back to RCC, in any department, in a shot.

I was also sincere that staying there only in the bottom rung for forever would have been a problem. Had I continued at RCC, I would have wanted to start pressing for full-time work, different work with more training, a permanent contract. Something like J was doing, where the low end of her job was similar to mine, but the high end included far more complex work. Or, someday, replacing the person who was my official manager -- a job which K, the former front-end receptionist, took over partway through my stay.

But it's also true that I wouldn't feel need to *ever* be on the BoD. It wasn't my ambition. It never will be.

I've been thinking about ambition lately.

Mostly when I realised I don't know what Ketan's ultimate ambition in life is, or would be, if he didn't have X, Y, and Z to cope with meantime.

It hardly matters, in one sense: by the time Ketan gets to catch his breath, look around and decide what he wants to *do* with his life, I'll be done with the plot of four whole books. And certain obligations left from all that plot will force certain things from him, enough to have some kind of denouement. For instance, he's married, a state which carries a lot of its own obligations. For another, he's trained in two main things; Kinging, and soldiery, with other talents and possibilities coming apparent around the edges.

But by the end of the Serpent Prince, what he doesn't want is to be King, the job he was raised to. And through Soldier of the Road, Poisoned Tongue, and onwards, his chequered experience convinces him he was right. Even if it's a job he can do, and might take up for sheer need.

Except that it highlighted something for me. My characters tend to have modest ambitions. Even the ones born or pushed kicking and screaming to greatness.

Carl would like to be the archipelago's equivalent of a tavern singer, well enough known to draw local crowds, and a lover at his side - all unattainable objectives, once he's on the path the goddess asked of him. Gaitann wanted to be a composer/historian -- although he was pleased to find he also had the skill to make a decent ambassador. Patar would like to settle down with a nice family and a farm.

Finno wants to have enough money not to be worrying week to week. And he wants his friends to be happy. Jen wants to be an actress, but she's okay with modest roles; she just likes playing out stories. And she wants Finno to be okay.

Francesca, one of the few who actually wants glory, wants her family's approval, and to be known as someone who saves small children and fights blackguard villains (Saving a few scantily-clad young men would do nicely as an occasional change. There weren't enough scantily-clad men in peril in the adventure, dammit.) I think her ultimate goal is to have her grandchildren stare at her in open-mouthed awe.

But nobody wants to be President, or King. Nobody wants to be a General, or a rock star, or a CEO, or Bishop, or any other variants of rich and famous and powerful.

Heck, most of my D&D characters even only care for treasure as a means to get the equipment needed to defeat the enemy.

Some of this is that I don't write epic save-the-world fantasy. The most people seem to need or want to save is a country - and usually, they do so in the process of a smaller goal - save this person or these people, uphold this ideal against all pressure to yield. And those cases seem to be based around the littlest countries, in the corners of the world I invented. (Except in the Apocalyptic novels. But there, they're too late to save the world).

But another part is that somewhere along the way, I learned that done right, the jobs that most obviously bring wealth and glory and power really involve crushing responsibility and tedious effort and thanklessness. That done right, they should be the place where the buck stops; that in good times, the thanks should go to everyone working for them, but in bad times, they should take the burden of the blame. But also that, of necessity, they distance one from normalcy. That rock stardom dazzles, but exhausts, surrounds one with fakery, distances one from everyday pleasures, and from the ability to tell real friends from flatterers and entourage. That the rewards aren't actually so appealing as the cost, and so anyone who wants to be there for the rewards is at best mad.

Done wrong, of course, they each lead to vice, to indifference to others who have none. To excess reward for minimal real endeavour. To excess of profit or fame at the outright expense of others. Seeing ordinary people only as a mob to be manipulated, tools to be used and discarded. The separation from normalcy becomes permission to do all the things, violent of psychopathic, self-indulgent or self-destructive, that regular laws aim to prevent. Seeing one's own short term gain over long term annihilation.

I also learned that even in cases which are the exception, to people who hang onto their roots, who "keep it real" (A term I have issues with in its own way, but which seems most apt here), who took that level of fame and power but didn't forget their ideals, who do the job right for the right reason, the million-to-one chance really is million-to-one. Narrativium aside.

That in, say, the writing business, the majority of reasonably successful writers don't make enough to quit their day job. That the thousands of aspiring writers are blinded by the story of J. K. Rowling making enough to shame the Queen, and miss the stories of, say, Jim C. Hines' likely-permanent inability to quit his day job and its attendant health insurance. Of writers trying to make it without a day job working themselves to exhaustion and ceasing to have fun with writing. That this leaves them unable to take to correct pragmatic steps. Leads to cursing out editors for daring to stop their precious vision from reaching eyes. Leads them to believe the flattery of scamsters. Honing the craft takes time. Worse, publishing itself is a glacial business - most first novelists are in their 30s, and some in their 40s. And of course, there's all the things the writer has no control over; editorial or publishing trends and tastes, manuscripts lost to mail or e-mail vagaries. Changes in the business model that really are shaking the whole scene right now. The fading midlist and the rise of modest-selling e-books.

To learn how to navigate the business, a matter I have studied in some detail, I needed to have realistic aspirations.

But I feel like somewhere in the last while, being aware that the business is slow and that I should be modest has meant that I have slipped form even modest aspiration to no actual plan or expectation. To no actual ambition. That I want to be more published but lost grasp on the actual motions that need to be made to get there.

To that end.

My ambitions as of this moment:

- Within six months, I should be either working at least 30 hours/week steady, or have a damn good reason why not (such as pregnancy). At a place that I anticipate staying for a while.

- Within the next two years, I should acquire an agent, or else obtain a minimum of 50 rejections from agencies on various works, proving I tried. (Since I can try to sell Bird of Dusk and Serpent Prince, and possibly others as I go.)

- Within five years, I should have an offer on a novel, whether through an agency or otherwise, from a legitimate press.

- Within those same five years, I should have sold at least three more short stories (considering the number I don't write, this is a tougher goal than it sounds).

- Within three years, if physically possible*, I should have at least one child. While this and work goals might have trouble working together, I genuinely think this and writing goals should not.

Should I be considering other goals? Throw me suggestions.

*After two miscarriages, the caveat is very real.
lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
(Note. At the bottom, I ask for suggestions. I'm not kidding.)

Once upon a time, in a job interview (Not this recent one - this was years ago), I was asked the dread question of where I wanted to be in five years. I gave what I thought was a reasonable answer; I'd like to still be working within that same business, at a higher eschelon from where I began - then I added the caveat. Not too high. Not a position like controller, or vice president. I wouldn't expect, or want, to have that much control over other employees that soon.

The woman taking the interview wrote, flatly, "No ambition."

I knew I didn't have the job in that moment; if she could that drastically misunderstand my intent, I didn't really regret it. And I've tried to find other accurate ways to answer that which circumvent the question of how much command I want to have over other people.

Should I have said I wanted to be in charge of all of accounting in a mere five years? Not in five years - I think that fast a rise to that high either implies full specialized training or high-level experience elsewhere, not starting as an AP/administrative assistant. I thought I was showing realism.

I was sincere, too, that if I liked the business, I *would* want to keep at the same place for years. After three years being driven crazy there, I would go back to RCC, in any department, in a shot.

I was also sincere that staying there only in the bottom rung for forever would have been a problem. Had I continued at RCC, I would have wanted to start pressing for full-time work, different work with more training, a permanent contract. Something like J was doing, where the low end of her job was similar to mine, but the high end included far more complex work. Or, someday, replacing the person who was my official manager -- a job which K, the former front-end receptionist, took over partway through my stay.

But it's also true that I wouldn't feel need to *ever* be on the BoD. It wasn't my ambition. It never will be.

I've been thinking about ambition lately.

Mostly when I realised I don't know what Ketan's ultimate ambition in life is, or would be, if he didn't have X, Y, and Z to cope with meantime.

It hardly matters, in one sense: by the time Ketan gets to catch his breath, look around and decide what he wants to *do* with his life, I'll be done with the plot of four whole books. And certain obligations left from all that plot will force certain things from him, enough to have some kind of denouement. For instance, he's married, a state which carries a lot of its own obligations. For another, he's trained in two main things; Kinging, and soldiery, with other talents and possibilities coming apparent around the edges.

But by the end of the Serpent Prince, what he doesn't want is to be King, the job he was raised to. And through Soldier of the Road, Poisoned Tongue, and onwards, his chequered experience convinces him he was right. Even if it's a job he can do, and might take up for sheer need.

Except that it highlighted something for me. My characters tend to have modest ambitions. Even the ones born or pushed kicking and screaming to greatness.

Carl would like to be the archipelago's equivalent of a tavern singer, well enough known to draw local crowds, and a lover at his side - all unattainable objectives, once he's on the path the goddess asked of him. Gaitann wanted to be a composer/historian -- although he was pleased to find he also had the skill to make a decent ambassador. Patar would like to settle down with a nice family and a farm.

Finno wants to have enough money not to be worrying week to week. And he wants his friends to be happy. Jen wants to be an actress, but she's okay with modest roles; she just likes playing out stories. And she wants Finno to be okay.

Francesca, one of the few who actually wants glory, wants her family's approval, and to be known as someone who saves small children and fights blackguard villains (Saving a few scantily-clad young men would do nicely as an occasional change. There weren't enough scantily-clad men in peril in the adventure, dammit.) I think her ultimate goal is to have her grandchildren stare at her in open-mouthed awe.

But nobody wants to be President, or King. Nobody wants to be a General, or a rock star, or a CEO, or Bishop, or any other variants of rich and famous and powerful.

Heck, most of my D&D characters even only care for treasure as a means to get the equipment needed to defeat the enemy.

Some of this is that I don't write epic save-the-world fantasy. The most people seem to need or want to save is a country - and usually, they do so in the process of a smaller goal - save this person or these people, uphold this ideal against all pressure to yield. And those cases seem to be based around the littlest countries, in the corners of the world I invented. (Except in the Apocalyptic novels. But there, they're too late to save the world).

But another part is that somewhere along the way, I learned that done right, the jobs that most obviously bring wealth and glory and power really involve crushing responsibility and tedious effort and thanklessness. That done right, they should be the place where the buck stops; that in good times, the thanks should go to everyone working for them, but in bad times, they should take the burden of the blame. But also that, of necessity, they distance one from normalcy. That rock stardom dazzles, but exhausts, surrounds one with fakery, distances one from everyday pleasures, and from the ability to tell real friends from flatterers and entourage. That the rewards aren't actually so appealing as the cost, and so anyone who wants to be there for the rewards is at best mad.

Done wrong, of course, they each lead to vice, to indifference to others who have none. To excess reward for minimal real endeavour. To excess of profit or fame at the outright expense of others. Seeing ordinary people only as a mob to be manipulated, tools to be used and discarded. The separation from normalcy becomes permission to do all the things, violent of psychopathic, self-indulgent or self-destructive, that regular laws aim to prevent. Seeing one's own short term gain over long term annihilation.

I also learned that even in cases which are the exception, to people who hang onto their roots, who "keep it real" (A term I have issues with in its own way, but which seems most apt here), who took that level of fame and power but didn't forget their ideals, who do the job right for the right reason, the million-to-one chance really is million-to-one. Narrativium aside.

That in, say, the writing business, the majority of reasonably successful writers don't make enough to quit their day job. That the thousands of aspiring writers are blinded by the story of J. K. Rowling making enough to shame the Queen, and miss the stories of, say, Jim C. Hines' likely-permanent inability to quit his day job and its attendant health insurance. Of writers trying to make it without a day job working themselves to exhaustion and ceasing to have fun with writing. That this leaves them unable to take to correct pragmatic steps. Leads to cursing out editors for daring to stop their precious vision from reaching eyes. Leads them to believe the flattery of scamsters. Honing the craft takes time. Worse, publishing itself is a glacial business - most first novelists are in their 30s, and some in their 40s. And of course, there's all the things the writer has no control over; editorial or publishing trends and tastes, manuscripts lost to mail or e-mail vagaries. Changes in the business model that really are shaking the whole scene right now. The fading midlist and the rise of modest-selling e-books.

To learn how to navigate the business, a matter I have studied in some detail, I needed to have realistic aspirations.

But I feel like somewhere in the last while, being aware that the business is slow and that I should be modest has meant that I have slipped form even modest aspiration to no actual plan or expectation. To no actual ambition. That I want to be more published but lost grasp on the actual motions that need to be made to get there.

To that end.

My ambitions as of this moment:

- Within six months, I should be either working at least 30 hours/week steady, or have a damn good reason why not (such as pregnancy). At a place that I anticipate staying for a while.

- Within the next two years, I should acquire an agent, or else obtain a minimum of 50 rejections from agencies on various works, proving I tried. (Since I can try to sell Bird of Dusk and Serpent Prince, and possibly others as I go.)

- Within five years, I should have an offer on a novel, whether through an agency or otherwise, from a legitimate press.

- Within those same five years, I should have sold at least three more short stories (considering the number I don't write, this is a tougher goal than it sounds).

- Within three years, if physically possible*, I should have at least one child. While this and work goals might have trouble working together, I genuinely think this and writing goals should not.

Should I be considering other goals? Throw me suggestions.

*After two miscarriages, the caveat is very real.
lenora_rose: (Default)
Periodically, I get these navel-gazing bits. This was actually word for word my comment on a recent Jim Hines post.

Before you read a word of mine, go read his post:

Rapists and Abusers (If I have to warn people it might be triggery, you didn't read the title.)

Shorter him: People prefer to talk about rapists as if they were a whole other species of human, not potentially normal. And this can be very bad when the rapist doesn't fit the profile of evil, when he looks like any other guy. And he talks about the bell curve, the possible slope connecting people who commit abuse with other people.

And the very first comment he got was from someone who pretty much tried to argue that ebcause she can't imagine committing that behaviour, and because of statistics about how many people are mentally ill, rapists, or at least horrible gang-rapists of fifteen-year-old girls, *are* a different species.

Her justifications rang false to me. Partly because of the Milgram Experiment and its ilk already suggesting some aspects of that slope. But also.... because I am normal. (I've discussed being normal before. It's a state to treasure, but not a compliment to myself, because I didn't earn it. It's one of those things earned for me.)

And by her logic, if I'm normal... I'm not capable of violence.

And thus, though I didn't answer her directly, I wrote this:

_________________
Seriously. Read Jim first, then click. )
lenora_rose: (Default)
Periodically, I get these navel-gazing bits. This was actually word for word my comment on a recent Jim Hines post.

Before you read a word of mine, go read his post:

Rapists and Abusers (If I have to warn people it might be triggery, you didn't read the title.)

Shorter him: People prefer to talk about rapists as if they were a whole other species of human, not potentially normal. And this can be very bad when the rapist doesn't fit the profile of evil, when he looks like any other guy. And he talks about the bell curve, the possible slope connecting people who commit abuse with other people.

And the very first comment he got was from someone who pretty much tried to argue that ebcause she can't imagine committing that behaviour, and because of statistics about how many people are mentally ill, rapists, or at least horrible gang-rapists of fifteen-year-old girls, *are* a different species.

Her justifications rang false to me. Partly because of the Milgram Experiment and its ilk already suggesting some aspects of that slope. But also.... because I am normal. (I've discussed being normal before. It's a state to treasure, but not a compliment to myself, because I didn't earn it. It's one of those things earned for me.)

And by her logic, if I'm normal... I'm not capable of violence.

And thus, though I didn't answer her directly, I wrote this:

_________________
Seriously. Read Jim first, then click. )

Scattershot

Oct. 5th, 2009 03:34 pm
lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
It seems we are not getting our floors done this fall. My mother-in-law broke her foot a bit over a month ago, and is wheelchair-bound, though otherwise in good spirits. My father-in-law was originally going to be coming over alone, since the flooring was going to be his big job, not hers. But her foot isn't healing - she's going in to have her foot bolted together this week, as the bones were separating. So he's staying with her, at least until he heads to the Ukraine in November. (That last sentence... is not atypical. Colin tells a story of noticing one day that he hasn't seen his dad in a while, and asking his mom where he was. IIRC, the answer was "China.")

Hoping she gets well. She seems too irrepressible not to, but sometimes, the body stops being able to keep up with the mind... and my in-laws are about halfway in age between my grandmothers and my parents.
_______________________

On a lighter note, we went to the fundraising dinner for our church, and we are so going to end up fat.

They had two money-raising efforts happening. One was a "bag auction", aka a silent auction, or actually a raffle draw. The other was an actual auction of goods and services. I put most of my tickets in the prize with the McNally Robinson gift certificate, but a few in a few other prizes, as you do.

But the actual auction happened first, or we might have done things a little differently... Colin bid very strongly, and won, the auction for one home-made pie a month delivered to our home (The first went home with us, the rest we get to pick the kind). because Colin loves pie. (I haven't tried it yet. But it looked good.)

He also bid on the 12 dozen home-made perogies (And 12 knitted dischcloths and 12 "potscrubbers", knitted things of a fabric rough enough to use instead of steel wool). And won those.

And then I won the other 8 dozen perogies from the bag auction. And another 12 potscrubbers (Someone else at our table bought the second dozen off me for $9.50. I'd have given them free, but he insisted.)

They take up less room in the freezer than we feared, and they last well. But at an average of 4-6 per person per meal, that's at least 20 meals, and possibly as much as 30, if we *don't* invite friends.

We are SO going to be stuffed.

And Colin won an espresso maker.
________________________

I don't like it when I feel the urge to shout, "Hey, you, get out of my religion" at conservative fundamentalists. I don't like it because that would be their approach to me, and I want to be better than that.

But, really (via [livejournal.com profile] karnythia, whose tag for these sorts of things is "if I have to suffer, so do you"):

Conservative Bible Project

Shorter: "We don't like what the Bible actually says, so we're going to change it to suit us."

I'm pretty sure that the correct reaction if the holy book of your religion and your personal beliefs differ, is to find another religion (or to compromise, by following what you can, and sometimes doing things you don't prefer, and picking your battles). I'm pretty sure if the tenets of your faith and your own behaviour disagree, the thing to reexamine is your own behaviour.

I'm not exactly unfamiliar with the complexity of actual Biblical translation, but I'm also pretty sure this:

"Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning"

is a bit beyond the ways the meaning of words, passages or culture has shifted over time, so that words don't mean what we think they mean.

I'm also pretty sure that this method:

"In the United States and much of the world, the immensely popular and respected King James Version (KJV) is freely available and in the public domain. It could be used as the baseline for developing a conservative translation without requiring a license or any fees. Where the KJV is known to be deficient due to discovery of more authentic sources, exceptions can be made that use either more modern public domain translations as a baseline, or by using the original Greek or Hebrew. "

isn't how most scholars go about crafting a real translation. "or by using the original Greek or Hebrew" seems almost an afterthought.


Also, how on earth do you claim "Volunteer" is a Conservative word?

__________________________

Finished the Fionavar Tapestry again. The books are justifiably a fantasy classic. The first one starts weak, and a bit unconvincing: Five people from our world have been invited to another magical world to help with anniversary celebrations. Before they even leave our world, one evil creature has attempted to follow and kill them, and the instant they arrive, they discover that the political situation isn't nearly as clean and welcoming as it sounded, and the danger is much much worse, yet only one balks, and even the one who we're told is frightened gets over her fear within sentences or moments. Big issues are brought up in front of them, yet it's seen as a sign of abnormal wisdom to catch on to the dark side of this, and they all stand passively listening for at least one major issue.

However, it doesn't take too long to convince the reader that they Have now thrown in their lot with the people they meet, genuinely, and not much longer to sketch the characters of the world in high terms and still give them eventual dimension. My favourite example of this is Tegid: Huge, fat, boistrous, rowdy, heavy drinking, a classic example of the bar-thumping jolly guardsman. Except. When he sees someone hurt, he protects them. He appreciates beauty. He's competent at fighting. He plays a killer game of chess. He may scratch his hind in the middle of formal negotiations, but he takes the part of his duties that matter seriously. And he's a thoroughly minor character.

The writing is glorious, I love the people, the choices, the powers and the poetry. I still cry at certain tragedies along the way, at certain acts of courage and defiance. it's an amazing piece of storytelling, and again, a rightful classic.

I also find the Arthur-Lancelot-Guinevere love triangle even less convincing than ever. Because it really seems to me that the saddest of all the sad stories shouldn't be one where one of the three characters can't say, "You know what? I'm not actually married to you this time, and there's no law against it here and now to make it a betrayal. Why can't I have two boyfriends?"

(And before you argue that that's too much modern thinking, consider that even Paint Your Wagon bloody did it.)

Even granting that Fionavar is a world of high romance and highly tradition-bound, *several* of the characters have casual sex or premarital sex (Outside of the religious festival, which I would grant as a whole nother ball game). It's Not a world where the social rules make that choice impossible. Kay seems to be trying too hard to have it both ways; to have a place where the prince's men can carouse with barmaids, where the women of the plains culture can visit any man they want before they're married, where people from our world won't feel too alien, and still have the high tragedy of "Oh, noes, I love two people!"

It's actually a relatively minor thread in the multiple plots, but it's one that failed to sing for me, and caused a nagging distraction.

Another oddity, this is the first time I really noticed how *small* Fionavar is. It seems like the whole of the place from top to bottom would take a week to cross on horseback, tops. (And it does have the "horses" of DWJ fame, that don't resemble real animals, don't founder after two days of gallopping, and don't balk at fighting things that even warhorses might say, "Bugger this!" to. And probably pollinate.) It's internally consistent, except that I found myself wondering how a plain that small could support herds of animals big enough that the plains people taking seventeen of them for a feast doesn't noticeably shrink the herd.

I'm also slightly inclined to take the sheer smallness of the world as explanation why it seems like almost everyone is blond, and even the dark-haired Cathalian people sound more like Mediterrainean Caucasians in looks, not people from further away.

If Kay weren't so firmly declaring Fionavar to be the world from which all other worlds spring, too, I'd just nod at the strong Celtic roots of it all and let the latter be, too. But because he does, I have to say it doesn't seem nearly large enough, geographically or culturally.

(Seriously, if I were making films of this series, I'd be as true to the books as I could in very way but casting.)

___________________

OH, and something [livejournal.com profile] matociquala chose to unveil (With help and suggestions for friends) for all those who've talked about it in the past but seemed unclear on what it really included:

The Homosexual Agenda

Scattershot

Oct. 5th, 2009 03:34 pm
lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
It seems we are not getting our floors done this fall. My mother-in-law broke her foot a bit over a month ago, and is wheelchair-bound, though otherwise in good spirits. My father-in-law was originally going to be coming over alone, since the flooring was going to be his big job, not hers. But her foot isn't healing - she's going in to have her foot bolted together this week, as the bones were separating. So he's staying with her, at least until he heads to the Ukraine in November. (That last sentence... is not atypical. Colin tells a story of noticing one day that he hasn't seen his dad in a while, and asking his mom where he was. IIRC, the answer was "China.")

Hoping she gets well. She seems too irrepressible not to, but sometimes, the body stops being able to keep up with the mind... and my in-laws are about halfway in age between my grandmothers and my parents.
_______________________

On a lighter note, we went to the fundraising dinner for our church, and we are so going to end up fat.

They had two money-raising efforts happening. One was a "bag auction", aka a silent auction, or actually a raffle draw. The other was an actual auction of goods and services. I put most of my tickets in the prize with the McNally Robinson gift certificate, but a few in a few other prizes, as you do.

But the actual auction happened first, or we might have done things a little differently... Colin bid very strongly, and won, the auction for one home-made pie a month delivered to our home (The first went home with us, the rest we get to pick the kind). because Colin loves pie. (I haven't tried it yet. But it looked good.)

He also bid on the 12 dozen home-made perogies (And 12 knitted dischcloths and 12 "potscrubbers", knitted things of a fabric rough enough to use instead of steel wool). And won those.

And then I won the other 8 dozen perogies from the bag auction. And another 12 potscrubbers (Someone else at our table bought the second dozen off me for $9.50. I'd have given them free, but he insisted.)

They take up less room in the freezer than we feared, and they last well. But at an average of 4-6 per person per meal, that's at least 20 meals, and possibly as much as 30, if we *don't* invite friends.

We are SO going to be stuffed.

And Colin won an espresso maker.
________________________

I don't like it when I feel the urge to shout, "Hey, you, get out of my religion" at conservative fundamentalists. I don't like it because that would be their approach to me, and I want to be better than that.

But, really (via [livejournal.com profile] karnythia, whose tag for these sorts of things is "if I have to suffer, so do you"):

Conservative Bible Project

Shorter: "We don't like what the Bible actually says, so we're going to change it to suit us."

I'm pretty sure that the correct reaction if the holy book of your religion and your personal beliefs differ, is to find another religion (or to compromise, by following what you can, and sometimes doing things you don't prefer, and picking your battles). I'm pretty sure if the tenets of your faith and your own behaviour disagree, the thing to reexamine is your own behaviour.

I'm not exactly unfamiliar with the complexity of actual Biblical translation, but I'm also pretty sure this:

"Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning"

is a bit beyond the ways the meaning of words, passages or culture has shifted over time, so that words don't mean what we think they mean.

I'm also pretty sure that this method:

"In the United States and much of the world, the immensely popular and respected King James Version (KJV) is freely available and in the public domain. It could be used as the baseline for developing a conservative translation without requiring a license or any fees. Where the KJV is known to be deficient due to discovery of more authentic sources, exceptions can be made that use either more modern public domain translations as a baseline, or by using the original Greek or Hebrew. "

isn't how most scholars go about crafting a real translation. "or by using the original Greek or Hebrew" seems almost an afterthought.


Also, how on earth do you claim "Volunteer" is a Conservative word?

__________________________

Finished the Fionavar Tapestry again. The books are justifiably a fantasy classic. The first one starts weak, and a bit unconvincing: Five people from our world have been invited to another magical world to help with anniversary celebrations. Before they even leave our world, one evil creature has attempted to follow and kill them, and the instant they arrive, they discover that the political situation isn't nearly as clean and welcoming as it sounded, and the danger is much much worse, yet only one balks, and even the one who we're told is frightened gets over her fear within sentences or moments. Big issues are brought up in front of them, yet it's seen as a sign of abnormal wisdom to catch on to the dark side of this, and they all stand passively listening for at least one major issue.

However, it doesn't take too long to convince the reader that they Have now thrown in their lot with the people they meet, genuinely, and not much longer to sketch the characters of the world in high terms and still give them eventual dimension. My favourite example of this is Tegid: Huge, fat, boistrous, rowdy, heavy drinking, a classic example of the bar-thumping jolly guardsman. Except. When he sees someone hurt, he protects them. He appreciates beauty. He's competent at fighting. He plays a killer game of chess. He may scratch his hind in the middle of formal negotiations, but he takes the part of his duties that matter seriously. And he's a thoroughly minor character.

The writing is glorious, I love the people, the choices, the powers and the poetry. I still cry at certain tragedies along the way, at certain acts of courage and defiance. it's an amazing piece of storytelling, and again, a rightful classic.

I also find the Arthur-Lancelot-Guinevere love triangle even less convincing than ever. Because it really seems to me that the saddest of all the sad stories shouldn't be one where one of the three characters can't say, "You know what? I'm not actually married to you this time, and there's no law against it here and now to make it a betrayal. Why can't I have two boyfriends?"

(And before you argue that that's too much modern thinking, consider that even Paint Your Wagon bloody did it.)

Even granting that Fionavar is a world of high romance and highly tradition-bound, *several* of the characters have casual sex or premarital sex (Outside of the religious festival, which I would grant as a whole nother ball game). It's Not a world where the social rules make that choice impossible. Kay seems to be trying too hard to have it both ways; to have a place where the prince's men can carouse with barmaids, where the women of the plains culture can visit any man they want before they're married, where people from our world won't feel too alien, and still have the high tragedy of "Oh, noes, I love two people!"

It's actually a relatively minor thread in the multiple plots, but it's one that failed to sing for me, and caused a nagging distraction.

Another oddity, this is the first time I really noticed how *small* Fionavar is. It seems like the whole of the place from top to bottom would take a week to cross on horseback, tops. (And it does have the "horses" of DWJ fame, that don't resemble real animals, don't founder after two days of gallopping, and don't balk at fighting things that even warhorses might say, "Bugger this!" to. And probably pollinate.) It's internally consistent, except that I found myself wondering how a plain that small could support herds of animals big enough that the plains people taking seventeen of them for a feast doesn't noticeably shrink the herd.

I'm also slightly inclined to take the sheer smallness of the world as explanation why it seems like almost everyone is blond, and even the dark-haired Cathalian people sound more like Mediterrainean Caucasians in looks, not people from further away.

If Kay weren't so firmly declaring Fionavar to be the world from which all other worlds spring, too, I'd just nod at the strong Celtic roots of it all and let the latter be, too. But because he does, I have to say it doesn't seem nearly large enough, geographically or culturally.

(Seriously, if I were making films of this series, I'd be as true to the books as I could in very way but casting.)

___________________

OH, and something [livejournal.com profile] matociquala chose to unveil (With help and suggestions for friends) for all those who've talked about it in the past but seemed unclear on what it really included:

The Homosexual Agenda
lenora_rose: (Labyrinth)
This is going to deal with some sensitive personal areas. But I have a reason for making it a public post.

At least one of the people mentioned besides my brother reads this journal, and... read to the end before you say a word.

__________________________

Once I had a friend. Call him PT. (The only legitimate initials in this whole thing will be my brother's. Most people who matter will know why I picked the ones I picked for the others.)

This friend was dating another friend of mine (Call her BB.)

They broke up, as people do. partly because after a few months, he felt ready to commit and clingy and mentioned the M word. Please note we are talking about people around 20 at the time.

She was not ready to commit to anything.

A month later, and much to their sincere surprise (Especially as, less than a week before, he'd been telling me something that strongly implied that he didn't expect it to happen), my brother, JH, started Dating BB.

I was asked by BB to break it to PT. Cowardice on BB's part? Maybe. But we both knew he was still hoping to get back together.

That was a painful conversation, and yes, it involved weeping on my shoulder. Or near enough as makes no difference.

But after a few days/weeks, PT got it into his head that my brother (Who had been crushing on BB, yes, but said nothing, as he knows not to do these things) had been the reason he and BB broke up; had somehow "Stolen" her by making himself a more attractive option. (Trust me. BB has agency and knows what to do with it.)

So at that year's Fringe Festival, PT spent a day following BB around the various parks and squares (BB could not listen to the Police's "Every Breath You Take" for a long time after without a shiver or five.), and culminated it in stomping up to my brother and threatening to beat his face in. (I should mention here that PT is about 6"1' and broad even when unfit. JH is about 5'9", and built like a long-distance runner. Or was then...)

PT told me later that he'd actually intended to just walk up and swing... and discovered that he hasn't got the violence in him to do it.

Here's the thing: LATER.

I was on the phone with PT for about two hours that night telling him what a Fuck-up he'd been.

And again when I got together with him later that week to figure out how he'd got himself into a mental state where stalking seemed like a remotely good idea. I thought at the time that it was better for him than losing all his friends at once. And maybe it was, in some ways, and decidedly it wasn't, in others.

PT was not cured; he never to my knowledge stalked anyone again, and I don't think he threatened anyone either. But he didn't fix the underlying possessive streak (NAme a thing what it is.) I broke up with him twice AS A FRIEND, because he was growing romantically attached and clingy, convinced we should be a couple regardless of what I said about the matter, jealous if I talked about liking anyone else. (This was not helped by the fact that I flirt with my friends without thinking about it; and I didn't *want* to have to be on my guard with someone who was legitimately a close friend, and with whom I could hash problems or life - as long as it wasn't romantic. So I would absentmindedly flirt. I confess my culpability that far.) In both cases we got together again, at first warily, because he showed sincere effort to mend his ways. Heeven pursued another couple of vague romantic lines (Some of which required the same clue stick dropped on his head of him making bad choices, longing for commitment too early, getting attached any time a female friend showed friendship... turning possessive about any woman about). For a while, he even tried to encourage me in a (vain) romantic pursuit I was following - except he *showed* me the effort, which meant he was acting the same jealous role with a veneer overtop.

And years later, when I thought he was over the worst tendencies to see (almost) any female friend as a romance, I did date him. (Weirdly, I think this was the time his behaviour was the *least* manipulative and borderline.) We both decided it didn't work, then. The most painless and mutual break-up of the four.

Yup. Four. The last one was when I started dating Colin, and KNOWING we had tried it as a couple and failed, he STILL threw a jealous fit. (Well, jealous sulk.)

And talking to someone else a little later, at least one more relationship with one more female friend went sour the same way.

But this isn't a story about the lie that a good woman or a good friend can change a person. This is a story about forgiveness of fuck-ups.

I talked to him again last year. Nothing too personal or intimate, but you know something? It felt nice to not have to fear running into him in those places our social circles overlap. It felt nice to know we might actually sit down and blather sometime at a con. Not in private, and I'm not sure I trust to get remotely close to him again. Forgiveness doesn't mean failing to recognize signs, or letting yourself get into a position which could become that of a victim. But it does mean forgiving.

I should also say, because it matters here, too. JH put pressure on me to break off the friendship. Quite justified on his part, I'd say. So did mom, for that matter (And BB, though I didn't live in the same house as her.) But both of them let me make the choice, and while they let their opinion stand, they eased off the pressure.

Had JH ever declared, "Us or him. really." I would have dropped PT. I would ahve told him why, but I would have done it. And tried to make it stick.

And it would have hurt worse than the years of breaking apart, trying to patch it, up, breaking apart again. Worse. I still don't doubt that, actually, any more than I doubt that I would have caved. Forgiving PT enough to keep talking to him wasn't easy, either internally in the doing, or externally, in the pressure.

____________________________

I have another friend. Call him RAF.

RAF is stubborn. RAF is by his own comment, "The most stubborn person you will ever meet."

I have dealt with RAF through *more* nasty social altercations than anyone else, some small, some bigger, some very very big indeed. I've watched him rewrite the facts of an event (Once within the same evening) to suit his side of the story. (He does it to books, too, but books don't get hurt by it. However, reading Left Hand of Darkness after hearing his version was... telling.) I've watched him fail to notice clues and warnings given with everything but a club, then profess surprise when everything came together and hit at once. Hurt him, yes, but he hit back at least as hard, and hurt a lot more people, including me, in the process.

That could be a description of two different events. Ouch. Both times, I stopped talking to him for a while; once for weeks (Less, maybe, if you count some wary exchanges. Well, wary on my part.), once for months.

He approaches almost any situation with "My way or the highway" and then gets smacked with the highway... and always, always, declares it someone else's fault. (The time's he's right make it worse on all the other times, because they give him fuel to feel righteous.)

He admits culpability for minor things, and uses it as an excuse for refusing to move on major ones, even when facts are against him.

He still doesn't know how upset he made some people.

Important: In few altercations was he the only one at fault* (in one case, the "other people" don't know how upset they made some of his friends, either.)

Equally important: In at least one such altercation, my attempt to point out that both sides were at fault was taken as "If you aren't 100% with me, you're against me." And I was smacked down and hurt badly.

But you know something? I see him almost weekly. We talk a lot. We bicker cheerfully. I get exasperated by his bad habits (no doubt he does of mine), but I poke fun at him for them, more often than I actually berate him for them.

One of the advantages of stubbornness to that degree is... he's got your back, and he won't stop for anything short of you yourself telling him he's done enough.

And I'm sure there were other times I did something at least as egregious as any of his acts, and that he's had to find it in himself to cope.

We're not as close as we were before some of the problems went down. But that's not the same thing as saying I don't have his back if he's in real trouble.

_______________________


Once my mother wrote a letter to BB that I thought a mite excessive, but important and useful and even the right thing.

I was WRONG. In that letter, my mother detailed everything she felt was wrong with BB's relationship (Not with PT; this was years later.) Including some, as it turned out, entirely unfounded concerns.

BB still talks to my mother, although immediately afterward, she was spitting nails. She still talks to me. The other party in that relationship still does, too, actually. Even though they knew that while I had no part in writing it, I had seen the contents and okayed sending it.

________________________

When I mention in passing that I'm glad I was in my mom's custody, and JH ended up that way, I'm not talking about which house had the better accoutrements. (In fact, most years, that would be dad's.) I'm talking about not having to live in the same house as my stepmother.

The person I had panic-attack level breathing problems for having to deal with for two weeks when I was about twelve. That's as much as I can say without violating someone else's privacy in public. Somewhere, I still have my fifteen/sixteen year old histrionics during one of our other visits, and among the melodrama therein, I - I have a hard time reading that, and not for the "OMG was I ever a drama queen!" of the others.

She and children? Not a good combination. (At least, children not her own. And even then... But again, not violating privacy.)

Colin likes my stepmother. More to the point, dealing with her as an adult, *I* like my stepmother.

___________________________

One of my friends had me on hand to help him through the realization he was turning into an alcoholic. Though he'd hurt me and others, I was there, because that was a fragile point.

I didn't get to see the end of that route. I hope to God it kept on an upswing, or got back onto one. Based on some of the people he seems to have kept in touch with all along, I suspect he had more help.

I wish I were friends enough at this stage to at least be able to ask, even if I don't want to get close for other reasons.

___________________________

I mentioned before learning that NL, a friend I'd drifted apart from, and of whom I retain fond memories, had talked some truly nasty smack behind my back, something I learned while considering getting back together with her.

We haven't seen each other often since, but when we have, it's seemed like a good thing. I miss NL, sometimes a lot. I made some bad mistakes myself in our friendship. But it would be nice to have the chance to talk enough to really find out if she can accept an apology, and the things I've been wishing I could share with her.

__________________________


I once broke JH's nose. It wasn't a childhood accident. It was a willful swing of the hand (After a charge up the hall).

My brother is, and remains, one of my best friends in the world. I still don't know how he forgave me doing something so dreadful.

__________________________

Forgiveness isn't easy. It's not pretty.


PT read at least one draft of a book I wasn't then ready to show to anyone else short of family. Which meant opening up parts of me I was a little scared to show in public, trusting him to accept those dark bits of me. I wrote a story only for him, one of my better short stories (Still unpublished. I should consider sending it back out). The story turned out not to be true in this world, but that's okay.

RAF - There have been a number of times he was the person who managed to welcome new people into our social circle, and to reach out and make connections. He used to accuse me of being the best person for finding things that didn't look like they'd suit him, but did after all (Like the movie Ever After, and a pile of books. I guess he forgot the near-misses.)

NL and I got each other through high school. WE collaborated on writing, shared art marathons, played together in RPGs, introduced each other to music. Created dragons and worlds.

The alcoholic - I can't say, not without cracking open a privacy. But I don't wish him ill. I hope in in a better place than he was then. With good people he can count on to tell him if he's fucking up again.

Do I have to say what my mom and brother and dad mean to me?

Heck, mom: "The song of my live will still be sung, by the light of the moon you hung."

JH is ALWAYS going to be one of my best friends. I don't like him being so far away we can't blather about whatever, whenever (At least since neither of us ever remembers to call the other.)

Dad: Dad is far away, a long narrow cord that has never broken. The classic family: "If you have to go there, they have to take you in."

My stepmother has grown calmer and wiser as well as older. She has never gone so far as to admit or talk about her mistakes. But she's given me advice on my own future family that was so obviously grounded in painful experience and awareness of how much she went wrong that I could admit some of my own worst fears in that area.

Forgiveness is hard.

But we're all humans. We're more than a flawed species. We're all broken and messed up.

And sometimes the best and least painful of the painful choices (though because it hurts in itself, we're leery of it, and can hide in the thing whose pain is more familiar) is to reach out again. Sometimes it has to wait until you're in a position of strength, or at least a position where you cannot be convinced that forgiveness means allowing yourself to become a victim. Sometimes it takes distance enough to look at your own failures, and know that their forgiveness is even more precious.
lenora_rose: (Labyrinth)
This is going to deal with some sensitive personal areas. But I have a reason for making it a public post.

At least one of the people mentioned besides my brother reads this journal, and... read to the end before you say a word.

__________________________

Once I had a friend. Call him PT. (The only legitimate initials in this whole thing will be my brother's. Most people who matter will know why I picked the ones I picked for the others.)

This friend was dating another friend of mine (Call her BB.)

They broke up, as people do. partly because after a few months, he felt ready to commit and clingy and mentioned the M word. Please note we are talking about people around 20 at the time.

She was not ready to commit to anything.

A month later, and much to their sincere surprise (Especially as, less than a week before, he'd been telling me something that strongly implied that he didn't expect it to happen), my brother, JH, started Dating BB.

I was asked by BB to break it to PT. Cowardice on BB's part? Maybe. But we both knew he was still hoping to get back together.

That was a painful conversation, and yes, it involved weeping on my shoulder. Or near enough as makes no difference.

But after a few days/weeks, PT got it into his head that my brother (Who had been crushing on BB, yes, but said nothing, as he knows not to do these things) had been the reason he and BB broke up; had somehow "Stolen" her by making himself a more attractive option. (Trust me. BB has agency and knows what to do with it.)

So at that year's Fringe Festival, PT spent a day following BB around the various parks and squares (BB could not listen to the Police's "Every Breath You Take" for a long time after without a shiver or five.), and culminated it in stomping up to my brother and threatening to beat his face in. (I should mention here that PT is about 6"1' and broad even when unfit. JH is about 5'9", and built like a long-distance runner. Or was then...)

PT told me later that he'd actually intended to just walk up and swing... and discovered that he hasn't got the violence in him to do it.

Here's the thing: LATER.

I was on the phone with PT for about two hours that night telling him what a Fuck-up he'd been.

And again when I got together with him later that week to figure out how he'd got himself into a mental state where stalking seemed like a remotely good idea. I thought at the time that it was better for him than losing all his friends at once. And maybe it was, in some ways, and decidedly it wasn't, in others.

PT was not cured; he never to my knowledge stalked anyone again, and I don't think he threatened anyone either. But he didn't fix the underlying possessive streak (NAme a thing what it is.) I broke up with him twice AS A FRIEND, because he was growing romantically attached and clingy, convinced we should be a couple regardless of what I said about the matter, jealous if I talked about liking anyone else. (This was not helped by the fact that I flirt with my friends without thinking about it; and I didn't *want* to have to be on my guard with someone who was legitimately a close friend, and with whom I could hash problems or life - as long as it wasn't romantic. So I would absentmindedly flirt. I confess my culpability that far.) In both cases we got together again, at first warily, because he showed sincere effort to mend his ways. Heeven pursued another couple of vague romantic lines (Some of which required the same clue stick dropped on his head of him making bad choices, longing for commitment too early, getting attached any time a female friend showed friendship... turning possessive about any woman about). For a while, he even tried to encourage me in a (vain) romantic pursuit I was following - except he *showed* me the effort, which meant he was acting the same jealous role with a veneer overtop.

And years later, when I thought he was over the worst tendencies to see (almost) any female friend as a romance, I did date him. (Weirdly, I think this was the time his behaviour was the *least* manipulative and borderline.) We both decided it didn't work, then. The most painless and mutual break-up of the four.

Yup. Four. The last one was when I started dating Colin, and KNOWING we had tried it as a couple and failed, he STILL threw a jealous fit. (Well, jealous sulk.)

And talking to someone else a little later, at least one more relationship with one more female friend went sour the same way.

But this isn't a story about the lie that a good woman or a good friend can change a person. This is a story about forgiveness of fuck-ups.

I talked to him again last year. Nothing too personal or intimate, but you know something? It felt nice to not have to fear running into him in those places our social circles overlap. It felt nice to know we might actually sit down and blather sometime at a con. Not in private, and I'm not sure I trust to get remotely close to him again. Forgiveness doesn't mean failing to recognize signs, or letting yourself get into a position which could become that of a victim. But it does mean forgiving.

I should also say, because it matters here, too. JH put pressure on me to break off the friendship. Quite justified on his part, I'd say. So did mom, for that matter (And BB, though I didn't live in the same house as her.) But both of them let me make the choice, and while they let their opinion stand, they eased off the pressure.

Had JH ever declared, "Us or him. really." I would have dropped PT. I would ahve told him why, but I would have done it. And tried to make it stick.

And it would have hurt worse than the years of breaking apart, trying to patch it, up, breaking apart again. Worse. I still don't doubt that, actually, any more than I doubt that I would have caved. Forgiving PT enough to keep talking to him wasn't easy, either internally in the doing, or externally, in the pressure.

____________________________

I have another friend. Call him RAF.

RAF is stubborn. RAF is by his own comment, "The most stubborn person you will ever meet."

I have dealt with RAF through *more* nasty social altercations than anyone else, some small, some bigger, some very very big indeed. I've watched him rewrite the facts of an event (Once within the same evening) to suit his side of the story. (He does it to books, too, but books don't get hurt by it. However, reading Left Hand of Darkness after hearing his version was... telling.) I've watched him fail to notice clues and warnings given with everything but a club, then profess surprise when everything came together and hit at once. Hurt him, yes, but he hit back at least as hard, and hurt a lot more people, including me, in the process.

That could be a description of two different events. Ouch. Both times, I stopped talking to him for a while; once for weeks (Less, maybe, if you count some wary exchanges. Well, wary on my part.), once for months.

He approaches almost any situation with "My way or the highway" and then gets smacked with the highway... and always, always, declares it someone else's fault. (The time's he's right make it worse on all the other times, because they give him fuel to feel righteous.)

He admits culpability for minor things, and uses it as an excuse for refusing to move on major ones, even when facts are against him.

He still doesn't know how upset he made some people.

Important: In few altercations was he the only one at fault* (in one case, the "other people" don't know how upset they made some of his friends, either.)

Equally important: In at least one such altercation, my attempt to point out that both sides were at fault was taken as "If you aren't 100% with me, you're against me." And I was smacked down and hurt badly.

But you know something? I see him almost weekly. We talk a lot. We bicker cheerfully. I get exasperated by his bad habits (no doubt he does of mine), but I poke fun at him for them, more often than I actually berate him for them.

One of the advantages of stubbornness to that degree is... he's got your back, and he won't stop for anything short of you yourself telling him he's done enough.

And I'm sure there were other times I did something at least as egregious as any of his acts, and that he's had to find it in himself to cope.

We're not as close as we were before some of the problems went down. But that's not the same thing as saying I don't have his back if he's in real trouble.

_______________________


Once my mother wrote a letter to BB that I thought a mite excessive, but important and useful and even the right thing.

I was WRONG. In that letter, my mother detailed everything she felt was wrong with BB's relationship (Not with PT; this was years later.) Including some, as it turned out, entirely unfounded concerns.

BB still talks to my mother, although immediately afterward, she was spitting nails. She still talks to me. The other party in that relationship still does, too, actually. Even though they knew that while I had no part in writing it, I had seen the contents and okayed sending it.

________________________

When I mention in passing that I'm glad I was in my mom's custody, and JH ended up that way, I'm not talking about which house had the better accoutrements. (In fact, most years, that would be dad's.) I'm talking about not having to live in the same house as my stepmother.

The person I had panic-attack level breathing problems for having to deal with for two weeks when I was about twelve. That's as much as I can say without violating someone else's privacy in public. Somewhere, I still have my fifteen/sixteen year old histrionics during one of our other visits, and among the melodrama therein, I - I have a hard time reading that, and not for the "OMG was I ever a drama queen!" of the others.

She and children? Not a good combination. (At least, children not her own. And even then... But again, not violating privacy.)

Colin likes my stepmother. More to the point, dealing with her as an adult, *I* like my stepmother.

___________________________

One of my friends had me on hand to help him through the realization he was turning into an alcoholic. Though he'd hurt me and others, I was there, because that was a fragile point.

I didn't get to see the end of that route. I hope to God it kept on an upswing, or got back onto one. Based on some of the people he seems to have kept in touch with all along, I suspect he had more help.

I wish I were friends enough at this stage to at least be able to ask, even if I don't want to get close for other reasons.

___________________________

I mentioned before learning that NL, a friend I'd drifted apart from, and of whom I retain fond memories, had talked some truly nasty smack behind my back, something I learned while considering getting back together with her.

We haven't seen each other often since, but when we have, it's seemed like a good thing. I miss NL, sometimes a lot. I made some bad mistakes myself in our friendship. But it would be nice to have the chance to talk enough to really find out if she can accept an apology, and the things I've been wishing I could share with her.

__________________________


I once broke JH's nose. It wasn't a childhood accident. It was a willful swing of the hand (After a charge up the hall).

My brother is, and remains, one of my best friends in the world. I still don't know how he forgave me doing something so dreadful.

__________________________

Forgiveness isn't easy. It's not pretty.


PT read at least one draft of a book I wasn't then ready to show to anyone else short of family. Which meant opening up parts of me I was a little scared to show in public, trusting him to accept those dark bits of me. I wrote a story only for him, one of my better short stories (Still unpublished. I should consider sending it back out). The story turned out not to be true in this world, but that's okay.

RAF - There have been a number of times he was the person who managed to welcome new people into our social circle, and to reach out and make connections. He used to accuse me of being the best person for finding things that didn't look like they'd suit him, but did after all (Like the movie Ever After, and a pile of books. I guess he forgot the near-misses.)

NL and I got each other through high school. WE collaborated on writing, shared art marathons, played together in RPGs, introduced each other to music. Created dragons and worlds.

The alcoholic - I can't say, not without cracking open a privacy. But I don't wish him ill. I hope in in a better place than he was then. With good people he can count on to tell him if he's fucking up again.

Do I have to say what my mom and brother and dad mean to me?

Heck, mom: "The song of my live will still be sung, by the light of the moon you hung."

JH is ALWAYS going to be one of my best friends. I don't like him being so far away we can't blather about whatever, whenever (At least since neither of us ever remembers to call the other.)

Dad: Dad is far away, a long narrow cord that has never broken. The classic family: "If you have to go there, they have to take you in."

My stepmother has grown calmer and wiser as well as older. She has never gone so far as to admit or talk about her mistakes. But she's given me advice on my own future family that was so obviously grounded in painful experience and awareness of how much she went wrong that I could admit some of my own worst fears in that area.

Forgiveness is hard.

But we're all humans. We're more than a flawed species. We're all broken and messed up.

And sometimes the best and least painful of the painful choices (though because it hurts in itself, we're leery of it, and can hide in the thing whose pain is more familiar) is to reach out again. Sometimes it has to wait until you're in a position of strength, or at least a position where you cannot be convinced that forgiveness means allowing yourself to become a victim. Sometimes it takes distance enough to look at your own failures, and know that their forgiveness is even more precious.
lenora_rose: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] cristalia just articulated something about the latest imbroglio (Apparantly continuing in some places even now, but which I've been shunning for a while) Here>

I've been trying to articulate my response to certain aspects of the explosion of viciousness.

Several of my particular racial type (Clueless White person) after being exposed to the whole vicious circle, declared, "After seeing this nastiness, I'm more afraid to write PoC than I was. And I wanted to help, until now."

This reaction made *no* sense to me. Less than no sense. Because, while it started with a critique of a writer's book which left in a racist trope by carelessness, that part of the discussion didn't last long. The nastiness was almost none of it on that aspect, comparatively. Indeed, watching Bear's initial gracious response, and truepenny's initial, gracious response, I felt inclined to follow their example if I should get a similar critique.

I'm no more afraid to write what I write, or whom I write. (Glances ruefully at the stack of books on the Ojibwa or Cree beside her).

But I'm a lot more leery of trying to engage people in an internet imbroglio. Because picking out the wheat from the chaff - and when I left, there was still plenty of wheat in view - stopped being worth it in spite of the visible presence of worthwhile comment.

The other one is harder to say, because ... because I look at my reaction, and I think it's not from a position of privilege, but I could be wrong.

First, people were occasionally asked to back off for a while and take a break, and come at it fresh.

Virtually nobody actually took this advice, of course, when it was given. (Plenty of people backed off, but usually those with, or trying to keep, cool heads, not the people asked to do so because their behaviour was getting a bit out of hand.)

The excuses given were many, and some vile (If you ever see darkerblogistan show up on your blog, save yourself time trying to reason with him and ban ban ban. Racist sexist scum.) But one bothered me; various people of colour challenged this with "We live with ongoing racism every day. You think we can get away from it? Take a break from racism?"

And this bugged me. Because, on one hand, it's true. A person dealing with ongoing societal racism probably DOES see it every day they don't spend curled up alone in their room/apartment/house. In small things I can be blind to because, as a white woman, they don't happen to me.

But. this means they cannot consciously choose not to engage an increasingly nasty and inhospitable part of the internet? or even not read or post for ONE DAY?

I live in a sexist world. Our culture is full of instances of sexism, and I face them many days of my life. But I still feel that there are times I can step back and say, "This is not the time or place to fight." Or even, "I need to calm down or I can't contribute." And I can go pet my cat. Buy groceries. Read a book (Alas, as demonstrated, hardly a guarantee of escape from the ongoing experience of racism or sexism, but at least not part of the chunk of it pissing me off.) Clean house. Read a different online discussion. And go back when, as I described it before, my present anger isn't so overwhelming it clouds my attempts to express my ongoing grievance.


___________________


So I was bad and bought myself two more books (And a CD, Blackmore's Night's Ghost of a Rose), both of which i have been wanting muchly to read. Diana Wynne Jones' House of Many Ways (Another story based in the same world, and with a related cast, to Howl's Moving Castle) and Jim C. Hines' the Stepsister Scheme.

Alas, i also decided I had to read three research books before I read the Jones, and three more before I get to Hines (The latter made easier because I loaned it to my mom first). And the first one is a mite dry.

Speaking of Books, I seem to have ended up in a YA kick:

Michael Marshall Smith - The Servants: Nominated for the World Fantasy Award, and in the Convention's book bag. Not bad, but... it was obvious in several ways, and unbelievable in others. It was very obvious that this would be a case where the "evil stepdad who took the place of my real dad" is not the sort of sinister person he's first portrayed as. The solution was a happy kid's book solution of exactly the kind taken apart in Diane Duane's A Wizard's Dilemma (Which, alas, might give away exactly what kind of YA story this is, a classic Problem Book of a particular kind, except with ghosts. I was never convinced it could be that easy; a strange comes in, shouts at people, and sets all to rights is a trope that is too problematic even when the people, or whatever the "ghosts" are, are pretty much the same kind. But most of all, I couldn't believe the major revelation partway through. More accurately, I couldn't believe this was something NOT KNOWN already. Because my immediate thought was, "What kind of mother doesn't explain this to her teenaged son long before this point?" If he were three, maybe even five, maybe I could see it being kind of shut away. But fourteen?

Ssdly, my favourite moment, the only one, was where our clumsy skateboarder finally manages to do what he's been trying all along. Because it rings more true than most of the rest. I also like bits of the prose in the "Footman" sequence, as it grows more and more abstract, more and more like a dance. But those I came away with still thinking, "too easy."

Final verdict, well written, but not worth it. Even though it's short and has some handsome prose.

Sherman Alexie - The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (Illustrations by Ellen Fornay)

This book is, in short, as good as everyone was telling me. Yup. Love. [livejournal.com profile] rachelmanija has a fabulous review which I'll point to and say "What she said.".

Sherwood Smith - Wren's Quest

Fun, touching, adventuresome; not much to say. The characters are lightly drawn but not static. I enjoyed it too much to have that little to say, but.
lenora_rose: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] cristalia just articulated something about the latest imbroglio (Apparantly continuing in some places even now, but which I've been shunning for a while) Here>

I've been trying to articulate my response to certain aspects of the explosion of viciousness.

Several of my particular racial type (Clueless White person) after being exposed to the whole vicious circle, declared, "After seeing this nastiness, I'm more afraid to write PoC than I was. And I wanted to help, until now."

This reaction made *no* sense to me. Less than no sense. Because, while it started with a critique of a writer's book which left in a racist trope by carelessness, that part of the discussion didn't last long. The nastiness was almost none of it on that aspect, comparatively. Indeed, watching Bear's initial gracious response, and truepenny's initial, gracious response, I felt inclined to follow their example if I should get a similar critique.

I'm no more afraid to write what I write, or whom I write. (Glances ruefully at the stack of books on the Ojibwa or Cree beside her).

But I'm a lot more leery of trying to engage people in an internet imbroglio. Because picking out the wheat from the chaff - and when I left, there was still plenty of wheat in view - stopped being worth it in spite of the visible presence of worthwhile comment.

The other one is harder to say, because ... because I look at my reaction, and I think it's not from a position of privilege, but I could be wrong.

First, people were occasionally asked to back off for a while and take a break, and come at it fresh.

Virtually nobody actually took this advice, of course, when it was given. (Plenty of people backed off, but usually those with, or trying to keep, cool heads, not the people asked to do so because their behaviour was getting a bit out of hand.)

The excuses given were many, and some vile (If you ever see darkerblogistan show up on your blog, save yourself time trying to reason with him and ban ban ban. Racist sexist scum.) But one bothered me; various people of colour challenged this with "We live with ongoing racism every day. You think we can get away from it? Take a break from racism?"

And this bugged me. Because, on one hand, it's true. A person dealing with ongoing societal racism probably DOES see it every day they don't spend curled up alone in their room/apartment/house. In small things I can be blind to because, as a white woman, they don't happen to me.

But. this means they cannot consciously choose not to engage an increasingly nasty and inhospitable part of the internet? or even not read or post for ONE DAY?

I live in a sexist world. Our culture is full of instances of sexism, and I face them many days of my life. But I still feel that there are times I can step back and say, "This is not the time or place to fight." Or even, "I need to calm down or I can't contribute." And I can go pet my cat. Buy groceries. Read a book (Alas, as demonstrated, hardly a guarantee of escape from the ongoing experience of racism or sexism, but at least not part of the chunk of it pissing me off.) Clean house. Read a different online discussion. And go back when, as I described it before, my present anger isn't so overwhelming it clouds my attempts to express my ongoing grievance.


___________________


So I was bad and bought myself two more books (And a CD, Blackmore's Night's Ghost of a Rose), both of which i have been wanting muchly to read. Diana Wynne Jones' House of Many Ways (Another story based in the same world, and with a related cast, to Howl's Moving Castle) and Jim C. Hines' the Stepsister Scheme.

Alas, i also decided I had to read three research books before I read the Jones, and three more before I get to Hines (The latter made easier because I loaned it to my mom first). And the first one is a mite dry.

Speaking of Books, I seem to have ended up in a YA kick:

Michael Marshall Smith - The Servants: Nominated for the World Fantasy Award, and in the Convention's book bag. Not bad, but... it was obvious in several ways, and unbelievable in others. It was very obvious that this would be a case where the "evil stepdad who took the place of my real dad" is not the sort of sinister person he's first portrayed as. The solution was a happy kid's book solution of exactly the kind taken apart in Diane Duane's A Wizard's Dilemma (Which, alas, might give away exactly what kind of YA story this is, a classic Problem Book of a particular kind, except with ghosts. I was never convinced it could be that easy; a strange comes in, shouts at people, and sets all to rights is a trope that is too problematic even when the people, or whatever the "ghosts" are, are pretty much the same kind. But most of all, I couldn't believe the major revelation partway through. More accurately, I couldn't believe this was something NOT KNOWN already. Because my immediate thought was, "What kind of mother doesn't explain this to her teenaged son long before this point?" If he were three, maybe even five, maybe I could see it being kind of shut away. But fourteen?

Ssdly, my favourite moment, the only one, was where our clumsy skateboarder finally manages to do what he's been trying all along. Because it rings more true than most of the rest. I also like bits of the prose in the "Footman" sequence, as it grows more and more abstract, more and more like a dance. But those I came away with still thinking, "too easy."

Final verdict, well written, but not worth it. Even though it's short and has some handsome prose.

Sherman Alexie - The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (Illustrations by Ellen Fornay)

This book is, in short, as good as everyone was telling me. Yup. Love. [livejournal.com profile] rachelmanija has a fabulous review which I'll point to and say "What she said.".

Sherwood Smith - Wren's Quest

Fun, touching, adventuresome; not much to say. The characters are lightly drawn but not static. I enjoyed it too much to have that little to say, but.
lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
Some days, you just can't keep up with the world.

Short version of this last week and weekend:

The event went well. Colin's feast got everything from praise to raves, with the minor exception that some of the duck didn't get all the way around the tables. The servers were fabulous.

Court was much fun - certain local powers that be decided to give Evil Erec an inauguration into the Order of the Sith as a combination tease and tribute, followed by a more serious gift from our Baron, as he's leaving for Afghanistan next month.

The floors were not perfectly swept for the post-revel - I did a super-fast job even after people had already arrived. Nobody particularly noticed. i think our house had about 40 people in it at peak, and things seemed to go well. One of the other out-of-town guests, Hrodir, was probably the life of the late part of the party. Scary man. But a good guy. I think. :)

Our guests were all wonderful, as guests and as people -- this included the four royalty/retainers and one extra friend who biked over the day before the event.

Anybody want a cabbage? I think we have three left (And a bit over a half - I misjudged earlier and thought it a bit less.)

___________________

I am making teapots. I am having fun. I wish the prof had not included an absolute requirement that we do casting, especially as my next project will involve same, and frankly, even the silly parts I was thinking about casting, I could more-than-probably do better just making by hand. Also, making casting slip out of already extant clay is apparently less than easy - unless the clay is dried out entirely first. no time now, thanks.

I understand that she at least half wants to evaluate what we already know how to do. But I'm Doing casting in the next project. Can't she just *wait*?

I need about two more lidded buckets.

___________________

I wish people would remember these things about online interactions:
- a lot of tone is absent. We say this over and over, but it's amazing how easy it is to see only the words on the page as the whole story, and never realise how *different* a person comes across talking, when you can see body language, pitch, volume, inflection, etc. Even with close to identical wording. We do forgive more foot in mouth turns of phrase when we can see the person is trying.
- Reading generously and assuming best motives, is better. Sometimes the best motives possible are still those of an asshole, but if you try and see past foot-in-mouth, you may see there is neither malice nor denial.
- Things happen faster than in real time. What this means, mainly, is that online, it's too easy NOT to step back and cool down when it's urgently necessary to do so. (And this is not saying people have no right to be angry. People have every damn right in the world to be angry, and to express that anger, and I sure as hell don't have any right to give or deny permission. But there are two types of anger. The long-term "Here's a problem that pisses me off" anger, and the immediate fury that comes when someone is provoking, intentionally or not. In the real world, when I'm at my most immediate-furious, I usually can't react coherently enough to express my real grievance. It's BETTER, not for my opponent, but for me, to pause, and breathe, and do something else, and come back to say, "I'm still angry, but now I can explain WHY."
- Having a good cause or a legitimate comment does not prevent you from expressing yourself badly; either by classic foot-in-mouth inability to say it right, or by sheer nastiness. Being abusive while trying to make an otherwise good point is a classic case of the road to hell.
- The circumstances under which it is okay to snub an apology are few, and never when the apology is sincere. Demanding more penitence is a form of snubbing an apology.
- In group collisions, there can be individuals on both "sides" who are either stirring up the pot with malice, or being reasonable every time they talk. There are also people in the middle trying to point out the good in both or the legitimate complaints in both. Lumping all who aren't with you together is a blunder which leads to even more of a mess than otherwise.
- The perfect is the enemy of the good.
- References to the fact that humans have variable levels of intelligence are invariably easier ways to devolve the conversation into incoherent fury and insults than actual curse words. They are never useful.
- All of these are general advice, and though derived from recent debate, are not meant to apply to a single individual or side in any recent activity. Even those that people might guess are inspired by one person are not; they're inspired by two or three at minimum, even if there are instances recently that have been cited more than others.
lenora_rose: (Gryphon)
Some days, you just can't keep up with the world.

Short version of this last week and weekend:

The event went well. Colin's feast got everything from praise to raves, with the minor exception that some of the duck didn't get all the way around the tables. The servers were fabulous.

Court was much fun - certain local powers that be decided to give Evil Erec an inauguration into the Order of the Sith as a combination tease and tribute, followed by a more serious gift from our Baron, as he's leaving for Afghanistan next month.

The floors were not perfectly swept for the post-revel - I did a super-fast job even after people had already arrived. Nobody particularly noticed. i think our house had about 40 people in it at peak, and things seemed to go well. One of the other out-of-town guests, Hrodir, was probably the life of the late part of the party. Scary man. But a good guy. I think. :)

Our guests were all wonderful, as guests and as people -- this included the four royalty/retainers and one extra friend who biked over the day before the event.

Anybody want a cabbage? I think we have three left (And a bit over a half - I misjudged earlier and thought it a bit less.)

___________________

I am making teapots. I am having fun. I wish the prof had not included an absolute requirement that we do casting, especially as my next project will involve same, and frankly, even the silly parts I was thinking about casting, I could more-than-probably do better just making by hand. Also, making casting slip out of already extant clay is apparently less than easy - unless the clay is dried out entirely first. no time now, thanks.

I understand that she at least half wants to evaluate what we already know how to do. But I'm Doing casting in the next project. Can't she just *wait*?

I need about two more lidded buckets.

___________________

I wish people would remember these things about online interactions:
- a lot of tone is absent. We say this over and over, but it's amazing how easy it is to see only the words on the page as the whole story, and never realise how *different* a person comes across talking, when you can see body language, pitch, volume, inflection, etc. Even with close to identical wording. We do forgive more foot in mouth turns of phrase when we can see the person is trying.
- Reading generously and assuming best motives, is better. Sometimes the best motives possible are still those of an asshole, but if you try and see past foot-in-mouth, you may see there is neither malice nor denial.
- Things happen faster than in real time. What this means, mainly, is that online, it's too easy NOT to step back and cool down when it's urgently necessary to do so. (And this is not saying people have no right to be angry. People have every damn right in the world to be angry, and to express that anger, and I sure as hell don't have any right to give or deny permission. But there are two types of anger. The long-term "Here's a problem that pisses me off" anger, and the immediate fury that comes when someone is provoking, intentionally or not. In the real world, when I'm at my most immediate-furious, I usually can't react coherently enough to express my real grievance. It's BETTER, not for my opponent, but for me, to pause, and breathe, and do something else, and come back to say, "I'm still angry, but now I can explain WHY."
- Having a good cause or a legitimate comment does not prevent you from expressing yourself badly; either by classic foot-in-mouth inability to say it right, or by sheer nastiness. Being abusive while trying to make an otherwise good point is a classic case of the road to hell.
- The circumstances under which it is okay to snub an apology are few, and never when the apology is sincere. Demanding more penitence is a form of snubbing an apology.
- In group collisions, there can be individuals on both "sides" who are either stirring up the pot with malice, or being reasonable every time they talk. There are also people in the middle trying to point out the good in both or the legitimate complaints in both. Lumping all who aren't with you together is a blunder which leads to even more of a mess than otherwise.
- The perfect is the enemy of the good.
- References to the fact that humans have variable levels of intelligence are invariably easier ways to devolve the conversation into incoherent fury and insults than actual curse words. They are never useful.
- All of these are general advice, and though derived from recent debate, are not meant to apply to a single individual or side in any recent activity. Even those that people might guess are inspired by one person are not; they're inspired by two or three at minimum, even if there are instances recently that have been cited more than others.
lenora_rose: (Default)
And in most parts of my life.

In the school: This term's professor will NOT be continuing into next year. We've known for a while that they were looking for a candidate for next term to take over THREE classes (Majors, Advanced, and the first year class for a professor heading to East Asia - I can't recall it it's Cambodia again, or Beijing.), but his name was in and we were hopeful. It also looks like it will be the woman whose class I almost took first term, whom I believe to be a perfectly good teacher (So long as I get to throw more.) I was told at one point she wasn't even standing as a candidate, but I've heard several other unreliable speculations as time goes on.

Our current prof has another class, and will be staying on in the building, but it sounds like they gave him that ahead of time, partly because they didn't expect, or intend, him to get the full-time spot.

What annoys a lot of people is that a reasonably popular prof who's been teaching first-year ceramics for a while also didn't even get interviewed. I'm not sure what i think, as I wasn't in on the discussions. I think I'd be happy with any of the above, and likely many of the outsiders they have also interviewed; ceramics has been batting pretty high on good and accessible teachers.

BUt it is going to require a bit of a change in gears.

____________________

Our current Baron and Baroness are stepping down for personal reasons. They don't want to discuss what the personal reasons are -- We have reliable information that they and their families are physically healthy. I have probably reliable information on the details, but will respect their wishes in not elaborating.

I will also, since [livejournal.com profile] frisky_turtle sometimes reads this, say I wish them both well, and send my love.

The short version, though, is that we will likely have a Vicar for Twelfth Night (Probably our current Seneschal, Berengaria, who is stepping down then anyhow), and be having a new Baron and Baroness step up in June. Nominations are open until the week before Twelfth Night. So far, I know for a fact of one couple and one singleton nominated.

Colin asked me if we wanted to let our names stand. (Later, someone else asked him the same).

In spite of my fascination with the process (I asked the most questions at the Folkmoot, albeit partly because I suspected our crop of new people might not know enough to know what to ask.) I was uncertain about this. True, it would kick in *after* the currently insane business of my life is done. True that the demands aren't actually *That* high. (We'd have to travel more -- but not necessarily much further, or at great expense. The oaths of fealty aren't problematic in themselves, although they force some of the travel. I already do quarterly reports.)

Also true that there are other plans in our lives which could make our lives even busier sometime in the unknown future. And other complications. And a lot of the things that fall to the Baron and Baroness that are unspoken would add to the muddle: I'd want to hold myself to a higher standard of garb. I'd probably want to get myself a name and personal device I can actually register, which likely means having to change my whole name. It would also mean finessing a number of politics - supporting activities in the Barony is relatively easy, but that's far from the end of it. I'm reasonably good at politics, and inclined to forge straight into them, not hide from them, but that doesn't mean I enjoy them.

(ETA: Of course, I am fully aware that Colin and I have a pretty low chance of being voted in even if we stand - there's a pretty obvious set considered Most Likely to get it if they stand - but if we do, I won't do it just so there's some appearance of competition, I want to think through all potential consequences, and put earnest thought into it. it's a long-term position, after all.)

_____________________

And as for actual politics in the real world? I just hope the budget fails when it comes up again (Unless so much of it is changed that it is no longer the same budget), and the coalition can keep its ass together long enough to kick Harper out.

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