Easily Distracted by Shiny Things

I have only one thing to say about the Elizabeth Moon Debacle, at least only one thing that hasn't been said better by wiser heads, by those vastly more eloquent, or those more directly affected.

And that is: I really want to go to Wiscon one day. Soon even. Maybe even this upcoming one, as Nisi Shawl is the GOH.

(If you must read only one of the things I linked above, including Moon herself, read Shweta's post linked to on the word "vastly".)

ETA: I removed the link to N.K. Jemison because she's changed her mind on her stance, and reading the comments that led her to do so, I think that might be the right choice; but I don't expect anyone else to read throught he comments to see the debate and why. Instead, I've replaced it with Nisi Shawl's comment, which still definitely fits as "Wiser heads".
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My brain has been focused on work lately, for obvious reasons.

1) I'm looking for work. I've had two interviews so far, and a few other resumes out. (The last interview felt like it went less well than the last two*. She said anytime, I said eleven-ish, and got there ten past. I don't know if this counts as late in her books or not. It was short, too. But because I felt it went badly, I'm half feeling that means this will be the one with the job offer.)

2) I found out that not everyone at the temp agency knew I was looking and available for a couple of weeks (I'd told my usual contact, but the actual coordinator for the whole shebang alternates week to week). Since then, I've been asked back, or asked to work, three times. Ergo, I worked yesterday, and will tomorrow and all of next week, at a place I've worked before, and like well enough (But for the faint smell of hot plastic that pervades. Guess what they make?) Yay for getting money in! Except for the whole up at 5:45 or 6:00 thing.

I've also been doing a couple of stints of standing behind a table, smiling, and promoting the Barony, which is fun but tiring, in a definitely qualifies as work kind of way, and wears out my introvert nature. Still, we got a ton of signatures; all we have to do is have the ones that sounded most enthused show up when we have cool things to show off.

(I CANNOT believe I failed to mention the Barony of Castel Rouge in my list of organizations I've volunteered for. Honestly. I've only been a member since 1995...)

So. Writing: Mostly, actually, I've been working in a dedicated way on query letters and plot synopses for the Serpent Prince and Bird of Dusk. I've been hauling the Dana about, and tossing extra words on three different frivolous projects; the PWP that grew a plot, the Labyrinth story (probably the most serious of the three, but I'm stuck on what happens next) and one of the apocalyptic stories.

Exercise - the high cardio side, specifically - has been the one of my vague ambitions most easily set aside. Stretching and walking are easy, as are some basic arm and leg workouts. But for cardio, when abacchus was in the house, this was awkward, because my main way of doing so was by putting on one of the cds I specifically recorded to dance to, and doing just that. Now he's gone... but I've been working.

We really need to get the Wii Fit stuff set up again. I guess I could do Sports, or Sports Resort.

Oh, yes. Abacchus was planning on moving out once he had a job. When the school division seemed to be slow on calling him back, he talked to his parents, and was thinking about moving into their place at month's end. Now, it turns out they're heading on a cruise, and it suits them very well to have him go home a few days early, so he can house-sit. he's still got stuff here, we're not kicking him out. Actually, I'd kind of like to see him; we've talked mostly in fragments, in passing in the hallway, as his hours are... unpredictable.

I'm planning on bringing my three different half-finished illumination projects to the Barony on Sunday, and getting on with that one of my resolutions.

Mom, do you want to go driving Saturday?

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*Yes, that math doesn't work. I had an interview via the temp agency that didn't work out, as well as the two from my own efforts.

(Note. At the bottom, I ask for suggestions. I'm not kidding.)

Once upon a time, in a job interview (Not this recent one - this was years ago), I was asked the dread question of where I wanted to be in five years. I gave what I thought was a reasonable answer; I'd like to still be working within that same business, at a higher eschelon from where I began - then I added the caveat. Not too high. Not a position like controller, or vice president. I wouldn't expect, or want, to have that much control over other employees that soon.

The woman taking the interview wrote, flatly, "No ambition."

I knew I didn't have the job in that moment; if she could that drastically misunderstand my intent, I didn't really regret it. And I've tried to find other accurate ways to answer that which circumvent the question of how much command I want to have over other people.

Should I have said I wanted to be in charge of all of accounting in a mere five years? Not in five years - I think that fast a rise to that high either implies full specialized training or high-level experience elsewhere, not starting as an AP/administrative assistant. I thought I was showing realism.

I was sincere, too, that if I liked the business, I *would* want to keep at the same place for years. After three years being driven crazy there, I would go back to RCC, in any department, in a shot.

I was also sincere that staying there only in the bottom rung for forever would have been a problem. Had I continued at RCC, I would have wanted to start pressing for full-time work, different work with more training, a permanent contract. Something like J was doing, where the low end of her job was similar to mine, but the high end included far more complex work. Or, someday, replacing the person who was my official manager -- a job which K, the former front-end receptionist, took over partway through my stay.

But it's also true that I wouldn't feel need to *ever* be on the BoD. It wasn't my ambition. It never will be.

I've been thinking about ambition lately.

Mostly when I realised I don't know what Ketan's ultimate ambition in life is, or would be, if he didn't have X, Y, and Z to cope with meantime.

It hardly matters, in one sense: by the time Ketan gets to catch his breath, look around and decide what he wants to *do* with his life, I'll be done with the plot of four whole books. And certain obligations left from all that plot will force certain things from him, enough to have some kind of denouement. For instance, he's married, a state which carries a lot of its own obligations. For another, he's trained in two main things; Kinging, and soldiery, with other talents and possibilities coming apparent around the edges.

But by the end of the Serpent Prince, what he doesn't want is to be King, the job he was raised to. And through Soldier of the Road, Poisoned Tongue, and onwards, his chequered experience convinces him he was right. Even if it's a job he can do, and might take up for sheer need.

Except that it highlighted something for me. My characters tend to have modest ambitions. Even the ones born or pushed kicking and screaming to greatness.

Carl would like to be the archipelago's equivalent of a tavern singer, well enough known to draw local crowds, and a lover at his side - all unattainable objectives, once he's on the path the goddess asked of him. Gaitann wanted to be a composer/historian -- although he was pleased to find he also had the skill to make a decent ambassador. Patar would like to settle down with a nice family and a farm.

Finno wants to have enough money not to be worrying week to week. And he wants his friends to be happy. Jen wants to be an actress, but she's okay with modest roles; she just likes playing out stories. And she wants Finno to be okay.

Francesca, one of the few who actually wants glory, wants her family's approval, and to be known as someone who saves small children and fights blackguard villains (Saving a few scantily-clad young men would do nicely as an occasional change. There weren't enough scantily-clad men in peril in the adventure, dammit.) I think her ultimate goal is to have her grandchildren stare at her in open-mouthed awe.

But nobody wants to be President, or King. Nobody wants to be a General, or a rock star, or a CEO, or Bishop, or any other variants of rich and famous and powerful.

Heck, most of my D&D characters even only care for treasure as a means to get the equipment needed to defeat the enemy.

Some of this is that I don't write epic save-the-world fantasy. The most people seem to need or want to save is a country - and usually, they do so in the process of a smaller goal - save this person or these people, uphold this ideal against all pressure to yield. And those cases seem to be based around the littlest countries, in the corners of the world I invented. (Except in the Apocalyptic novels. But there, they're too late to save the world).

But another part is that somewhere along the way, I learned that done right, the jobs that most obviously bring wealth and glory and power really involve crushing responsibility and tedious effort and thanklessness. That done right, they should be the place where the buck stops; that in good times, the thanks should go to everyone working for them, but in bad times, they should take the burden of the blame. But also that, of necessity, they distance one from normalcy. That rock stardom dazzles, but exhausts, surrounds one with fakery, distances one from everyday pleasures, and from the ability to tell real friends from flatterers and entourage. That the rewards aren't actually so appealing as the cost, and so anyone who wants to be there for the rewards is at best mad.

Done wrong, of course, they each lead to vice, to indifference to others who have none. To excess reward for minimal real endeavour. To excess of profit or fame at the outright expense of others. Seeing ordinary people only as a mob to be manipulated, tools to be used and discarded. The separation from normalcy becomes permission to do all the things, violent of psychopathic, self-indulgent or self-destructive, that regular laws aim to prevent. Seeing one's own short term gain over long term annihilation.

I also learned that even in cases which are the exception, to people who hang onto their roots, who "keep it real" (A term I have issues with in its own way, but which seems most apt here), who took that level of fame and power but didn't forget their ideals, who do the job right for the right reason, the million-to-one chance really is million-to-one. Narrativium aside.

That in, say, the writing business, the majority of reasonably successful writers don't make enough to quit their day job. That the thousands of aspiring writers are blinded by the story of J. K. Rowling making enough to shame the Queen, and miss the stories of, say, Jim C. Hines' likely-permanent inability to quit his day job and its attendant health insurance. Of writers trying to make it without a day job working themselves to exhaustion and ceasing to have fun with writing. That this leaves them unable to take to correct pragmatic steps. Leads to cursing out editors for daring to stop their precious vision from reaching eyes. Leads them to believe the flattery of scamsters. Honing the craft takes time. Worse, publishing itself is a glacial business - most first novelists are in their 30s, and some in their 40s. And of course, there's all the things the writer has no control over; editorial or publishing trends and tastes, manuscripts lost to mail or e-mail vagaries. Changes in the business model that really are shaking the whole scene right now. The fading midlist and the rise of modest-selling e-books.

To learn how to navigate the business, a matter I have studied in some detail, I needed to have realistic aspirations.

But I feel like somewhere in the last while, being aware that the business is slow and that I should be modest has meant that I have slipped form even modest aspiration to no actual plan or expectation. To no actual ambition. That I want to be more published but lost grasp on the actual motions that need to be made to get there.

To that end.

My ambitions as of this moment:

- Within six months, I should be either working at least 30 hours/week steady, or have a damn good reason why not (such as pregnancy). At a place that I anticipate staying for a while.

- Within the next two years, I should acquire an agent, or else obtain a minimum of 50 rejections from agencies on various works, proving I tried. (Since I can try to sell Bird of Dusk and Serpent Prince, and possibly others as I go.)

- Within five years, I should have an offer on a novel, whether through an agency or otherwise, from a legitimate press.

- Within those same five years, I should have sold at least three more short stories (considering the number I don't write, this is a tougher goal than it sounds).

- Within three years, if physically possible*, I should have at least one child. While this and work goals might have trouble working together, I genuinely think this and writing goals should not.

Should I be considering other goals? Throw me suggestions.

*After two miscarriages, the caveat is very real.

Stuff:

( housecleaning and such randomness )

Between that and a rather nice girl's night (which resulted in me getting very pretty, if somewhat pale, henna on my leg), I've been mostly in a pretty good mood.

Mostly.

( Work woes )

Somewhat more positively again,

( Writing progress )

Short version: I've been incredibly busy. I'm miles behind on LJ. And I'm rather tired.

Longer version: As of Tuesday last week, I'm working full-time (Seven hours a day Mon-Fri) for the first time since the Bakery deliberately dissolved my job from under me in 2006. (I've had individual weeks of working five days a week in between, but not consistently and not all for one business at a time. And of course, the schoolwork kept me from anything like laziness while it lasted). It's a contract that only goes to June 30th, albeit with the potential to be a permanent placement if the fit is good and nothing else intervenes. I feel almost bad for *wanting* that something to intervene, as after four days there, it's a nice office.

It's busy, with varied kinds of work - which I consider a plus. After the bakery where there was never enough work and RCC where there was never nothing at all to do but a lot of it was repetitive, I decided I prefer being busy. More, of course, there's a strong discouragement against beign lazy: the temp who was at my desk before me was apparently a bit lazy and spent work time on the internet, and a LOT careless; she managed to get malware onto the computer, which caused them to decide no personal computer use even on breaks.

The thing which makes this quite bearable is that the lunch break is an hour. And I'm downtown, a block from the library. And I have a Dana. So after I'm done eating, I can vanish a while and just type.

forodwaith,we have got to take advantage of this to get together at least a couple of times. Even if we don't have plans, around 12:30 or so, look for me in either the stairway kiosks or the tables by the Human Bean.

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My evenings, on the other hand, have been taken up with making site tokens (Clay pendants with crosses or crescents) for the event, to the point of missing several other activities I usually prefer (Dance practice, choir practice, etc.). This is one thing the new job threw off; I'd been intending to take more advantage of the free daytime hours to do the work.

Final tally is 83, of which Colin made about 15. We're expecting about 75 to the event I think, so that should be enough extras. They went to the person with the kiln today. Hopefully they were dry enough; a few were still slightly cool to the touch when I packed them (A pretty good sign of lingering moisture).

Still it was fun, if terribly messy and worse for my back and my exercise regime. And I have enough of a lump of clay left over to do *something* with.

Alas, this week will be catching up on other activities, and cleaning house for the post-revel.

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Writing wise:

I'm not working on the Serpent Prince at all. I started another project I probably shouldn't have, but the way the words have been flowing when I have had a chance to get to the computer, I can't wholly complain. Because I am working a bit at a time on the Dana, I decided to also start the editing for Bird of Dusk slightly earlier, so that I'm not constantly uploading and downloading. Not much so far, considering the lack of computer time.

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Sleep... twice in the last two weeks, I've napped in the evening. I think I've mentioned before, I don't do this. I usually *can't* sleep outside my usual sleeping hours unless I am ill or exhausted.

I really must remember that "Sleep is for the weak" is the creed of those who should know better.

Still virtually no snow on the ground, though the weather's been at least in the -teens, and usually the -20s lately. It's depressing and sad-looking.

And I'm depressed anyhow.

I've been trying to be good and not let it affect me, because my prospects are better than many.

My work at RCC is ending next week on the 23rd. I've already said I'll stop in the 24th (they're open a half-day morning) to pack up my own stuff and do some essential sorting of the chaos on my desk and labelling it for whomever comes in next.

This was a temp job that started as one day a week in November 200, to last until the end of December 2006. It later expanded to 2 days a week, and kept being renewed, until they finally said indefinitely.

They've been happy with me for the most part, mainly because the ladies I work with make my habit of arriving slightly late look normal. (And like the woman who arrives after me, I tend to end up making up the time at the end of the day and leaving late, too - half the time because I just don't notice 4:30 happening through whatever I'm doing).

However, they decided they need a person part-time in another area, and wanted to combine the two into one full-time person (as they're paying the temp agency considerably more than they're paying me, any lack of benefits form my part-time status is more than et up.) It happens that the other area they're hiring for (payroll) is work I've technically not done. And while I know for a fact, based on past experience, that I would probably learn the duties in no time flat, I've also been doing low-end office work for them; the typing and editing - especially editing - of therapist reports is probably the highest level of work they've assigned me, and it doesn't exactly demand learning several computer programs. So they don't know, and the most likely interviewer is the person who told me my term was ending.

Officially it's ending the 31st, but I'm not available the 29th through 31st, and they're closed the 28th (to make up for Boxing Day).

Apparently, this either is, or is very close to, the record for the longest temp term position in the agency's history.

Anyhow, the agency is looking on my behalf, and I mean to let them do the heavy lifting at least for a while. Though I might have to tweak my resume some.

And I did point one friend who's been doing payroll to the new position, assuming the RCC has it advertised anywhere. Someone should benefit, and it's a decent place to work (accounting for its quirks).

Conviron, my other off-and-on location, still likes me, though they've been one to two days a month, and there's no guarantee even now of more. (I was there Thursday while the staff went to a restaurant for their Christmas Party - and didn't even injure myself this time as I did the last two.) They'd never put up with me arriving late regularly, but there I'm restricted by bus times anyhow.

At any rate, i thought I was taking it well, and I've been doing my best to be gracious. Except that this morning I was running WAY behind, and I should have caught the bus (So as to only be 3-5 minutes late), and instead my answer was "Fuck it" and I walked, because I needed the walk more than I needed to please them, and they couldn't say anything to me that would make me care. (And then I was first one there in our particular office.)

Small thing, but it was a sign that maybe I wasn't as easy about it as I'd thought. And yup, I've been feeling a bit frustrated all day, and a bit hurt. I guess it's just that it seemed for a while like there might be a day or two in january, too, especially to make up for the missing week at the end of December.

Well, the missing week is mostly cabining. Will be fun.

1) Gee, cleaning out the trackball really did make a huge difference. Weird; it was fine until last week, and it finally occurred to me that in spite of the suddenness, it might not be a connection problem.

2) Attended a Full Moon ritual with a Wiccan group led by an old friend I don't get to see much. A positive experience, overall, and interesting to see the similarities and differences. Similarities: The last time I did a guided meditation, it was led by our church minister during the new members groups - though she hasn't exactly done that with the full congregation. Our church tends to begin the Jesus prayer with "Our Mother and Father", so invoking male and female deity didn't seem as out of place as it might (And I seem to be more comfortable with deity as female, excepting only Jesus himself, who was rather inarguably male). And the candle-lighting had strong parallels to our "Prayers of the people" segment; though they had more positive invocations than otherwise, and we tend to the opposite. The cleansing and blessings feel familiar, albeit from experiences prior to church, so that the group aspect was the new part there. The banter and reminiscences during the less solemn parts. The fumbling for matches or texts to conduct the ritual. The fact that the ritual felt effective in spite, or even inclusive of of human fumbling. And of course, every religious thing I've been to seems to involve some kind of an invitation to bring and eat food afterward in group, once the ritual is done and the serious bits passed.

3) tao_of_erec (Also our Baron-to-be) was in town! He's not really back yet from Afghanistan, but this is his last holiday before he's officially done, and he came to see his fiancee. He also went to archery today, so a bunch of us besides Amaryllis got to see him - and will again tomorrow for folkmoot.

4) I am so going to end up finishing Bird of Dusk within a week -- depending of course on how much writing time I get. My last writing day was 57 words short of 3k. Of course, then it's set it aside, and come back later to carve apart everything from Chapter 17 onward. And I should look and see if there's a viable break point anywhere in the vicinity, because it might be better if it were two books. If so, it probably won't be a standalone series. I don't think I can see clear to that. But enough to pass as "I meant to do that"? Maybe.

5) Work wise, the place where I worked one day every couple of weeks over the summer had me back again for a half-day this last week, wants me again the week after Thanksgiving (The Canadian one, which is rather soon), another in December if I haven't something else by then, and might be setting up a part-time position in the New Year - though the last is a maybe. It's not coming into being because of me, but because of an increase in their production, but I have been told that if I haven't something else by then, they'd be happy for me to take it. (Although I think the woman telling me this was made even gladder to hear I've been with RCC for nigh on three years - they knew I'd been working their both summers they had me in, but not for how long. And it's nice to know the 'temp' can and will do longer term.)

Today was a good day at SMD, the more hours-heavy of my new jobs. I made the bus that gets me there a minute late - not so good, but considering I got up an HOUR after my alarm was supposed to go off, I'll take it. I found out for sure I was doing pretty well on the rate I was told I should be accomplishing the work (So far, and accounting for my newness.) I didn't take any extra break time (Nor have I any other day; today I am guilty of going for five minutes to get tea in place of a 15 minute break and taking 40 minutes for a 45 minute lunch break. I've sometimes even taken the whole 45 minutes.) I did check my e-mail once, but the rest of my time on the internet was directly work-related, and mainly doing what I was told by my manager to do if I needed to find certain kinds of information. I played my music at a volume that might be audible to someone immediately inside the room, and didn't edit out the Nightwish, but there were no OTs or volunteers in their respective proximate areas, and the office next to mine was empty all day, so I think even the places I screwed up the harmony weren't offensive to anyone's ear. At the end of the day, I said "see you Wednesday" to all the people in my area, and even talked a bit about not being sure yet what was going on in July, but all sounded sure it would get straightened out. My direct Manager said a goodbye on the way out, and everyone waved in a friendly way.

Later, Colin phoned me at the friend's place I was at, to tell me the temp agency had called to say the SMD job is cancelled, and not to go in for the next shift.

WTF??

I am SO calling the agency tomorrow to find out what's going on. Because I guarantee you, nobody I was working with had a hint, and NOBODY has said I've done anything wrong. Sometimes the opposite.