Out of Whack
Feb. 21st, 2006 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lenora_roseI started to do this as a "What I did all weekend" summary, with bits for Saturday Sunday, Monday,a dn catching up to today. Sometimes I think those updates are cool, if the events therein are exciting. Sometimes altogether narcissistic. This would have been the latter. But I think my mental state is possibly more interesting and more easily summarized fast than all the events leading to it.
- I saw![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
forodwaith, it was a pleasant, relaxing lunch, and we had what felt to me like a good conversation, with low (But not absent) wedding content.
- I haven't seen several other people I've hoped and expected to see lately nearly often enough. And if I call them I'll be asking them to buy a social ticket, not just to come for coffee.
- It looks like we're going to have really good prizes for my social
- Ticket sales for same are going slower than I like. Some people have expressed interest whom I haven't seen since at a time it seemed appropriate to pull the tickets out, some people who seemed all but guaranteed have had to back out. Not so much yet to panic about, but generally, the trend is bad.
- Our Photographer is all but in the bag - AS LONG AS we make the deal by the end of this month.
- We don't know who is paying for photography yet, due to people in my family being supremely slow answering e-mails. What we'll be able to agree on before month end will depend on that person giing any response before same. Dubious. OTOH, better to be able to afford more than you originally asked than to overspend first because you assumed funds were coming that... weren't.
- I can indeed still apply for the Faculty of Education, and despite their best efforts to keep me form getting a straight answer on this, it seems I do qualify.
- Not unlike the photography, I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to be able to afford it.
- I'm getting married to someone I love.
- This could put paid to any chance of getting a student loan at all, much less one worth getting.
- I may soon be on a track to get me out of a job that grows less satisfying and more problematic.
- Jumping ship too soon could, of course, derail all chances of getting through school and thus not ending up exactly where I started.
- I've received money and generosity from people I wasn't expecting it from lately.
- I've *had* to ask people for money and generosity. And I have to keep doing it this year, for the social, for the wedding, possibly for school....
- Due to an agreement he made with mom in place of child support, Dad is supposed to help pay for my education. And I got enough and more than enough from other sources for my Fine Arts Degree that a large amount of that obligation still stands on my side (Less so for my brother, who's had more schooling overall *and* had Dad end up paying for more of it).
- This doesn't keep me from feeling like I only ever talk to Dad when I want money, which is NOT how I pictured that relationship, or how I want him to see me.
- We may be able to go to the places I really want to go on my Honeymoon. One of them. And my managers have pretty much all agreed I can get the extra time.
- This still involves getting gifted things by people I hardly feel owe me to the degree they're giving (aside from work).
There's a theme here, isn't there? Thing is, I like getting things. Small things, surprise things, of a degree I can repay if I seen an opportunity or a birthday. Everybody likes getting things.
But I don't like asking for things. I feel greedy, in ways other than the ways I *am* greedy, to ask for money I don't feel I've earned -- even when I have.
And I don't like it in a different way when what I receive feels out of balance with what I have to offer. Not off by a little, or a nudge, like getting a good bargain -- Everyone likes getting a good bargain, I certainly do -- but when the numbers, literal or subjective, feel drastically wrong. Out of whack. Exponentially out of balance. I broke up with one boyfriend, a very nice guy, because I was getting more from him, in physical stuff and in emotional commitment, than I was giving or could afford to give in either aspect, and the imbalance hurt.
All the things happening this year, the wedding, the possible school, etc, are all things I want. Things that will be desperately important in my life.
All force me into asking for the things I need to get there, yet hate to ask for. Money for Nothing, or for not enough.
And I'm presuming on someone even to finish this message, as this is the guest room, and the guest wishes to sleep - hads just got into bed, swearing ahving a light on and noise behind her doesn't matter, she has earplugs....
Adieu.
- I saw
forodwaith, it was a pleasant, relaxing lunch, and we had what felt to me like a good conversation, with low (But not absent) wedding content.- I haven't seen several other people I've hoped and expected to see lately nearly often enough. And if I call them I'll be asking them to buy a social ticket, not just to come for coffee.
- It looks like we're going to have really good prizes for my social
- Ticket sales for same are going slower than I like. Some people have expressed interest whom I haven't seen since at a time it seemed appropriate to pull the tickets out, some people who seemed all but guaranteed have had to back out. Not so much yet to panic about, but generally, the trend is bad.
- Our Photographer is all but in the bag - AS LONG AS we make the deal by the end of this month.
- We don't know who is paying for photography yet, due to people in my family being supremely slow answering e-mails. What we'll be able to agree on before month end will depend on that person giing any response before same. Dubious. OTOH, better to be able to afford more than you originally asked than to overspend first because you assumed funds were coming that... weren't.
- I can indeed still apply for the Faculty of Education, and despite their best efforts to keep me form getting a straight answer on this, it seems I do qualify.
- Not unlike the photography, I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to be able to afford it.
- I'm getting married to someone I love.
- This could put paid to any chance of getting a student loan at all, much less one worth getting.
- I may soon be on a track to get me out of a job that grows less satisfying and more problematic.
- Jumping ship too soon could, of course, derail all chances of getting through school and thus not ending up exactly where I started.
- I've received money and generosity from people I wasn't expecting it from lately.
- I've *had* to ask people for money and generosity. And I have to keep doing it this year, for the social, for the wedding, possibly for school....
- Due to an agreement he made with mom in place of child support, Dad is supposed to help pay for my education. And I got enough and more than enough from other sources for my Fine Arts Degree that a large amount of that obligation still stands on my side (Less so for my brother, who's had more schooling overall *and* had Dad end up paying for more of it).
- This doesn't keep me from feeling like I only ever talk to Dad when I want money, which is NOT how I pictured that relationship, or how I want him to see me.
- We may be able to go to the places I really want to go on my Honeymoon. One of them. And my managers have pretty much all agreed I can get the extra time.
- This still involves getting gifted things by people I hardly feel owe me to the degree they're giving (aside from work).
There's a theme here, isn't there? Thing is, I like getting things. Small things, surprise things, of a degree I can repay if I seen an opportunity or a birthday. Everybody likes getting things.
But I don't like asking for things. I feel greedy, in ways other than the ways I *am* greedy, to ask for money I don't feel I've earned -- even when I have.
And I don't like it in a different way when what I receive feels out of balance with what I have to offer. Not off by a little, or a nudge, like getting a good bargain -- Everyone likes getting a good bargain, I certainly do -- but when the numbers, literal or subjective, feel drastically wrong. Out of whack. Exponentially out of balance. I broke up with one boyfriend, a very nice guy, because I was getting more from him, in physical stuff and in emotional commitment, than I was giving or could afford to give in either aspect, and the imbalance hurt.
All the things happening this year, the wedding, the possible school, etc, are all things I want. Things that will be desperately important in my life.
All force me into asking for the things I need to get there, yet hate to ask for. Money for Nothing, or for not enough.
And I'm presuming on someone even to finish this message, as this is the guest room, and the guest wishes to sleep - hads just got into bed, swearing ahving a light on and noise behind her doesn't matter, she has earplugs....
Adieu.
