Arrgh!

ETA: I've un-friendslocked this entry, as it occurs to me that two people {"Been there, done that" and "Chirp!") whose opinion I value on this sort of thing are not LJ users. (Both of you, you probably know who you are, why not do what Colin did, and sign on just so I can friend you and you can read my locked posts? Of course, one of you {chirp!} is thinking about starting a journal for real, so this suggestion may end up a gateway drug of sorts). But it might save me public humiliation. :)
________________

I should be sleeping. instead, I'm banging my head against something.

So, since it's late at night, and this hour, for me, is the equivalent of being slightly drunk, when things I'll regret in the morning Seem Like a Good Idea At the Time, I'll post my frustration.

Here I have the opening to a scene. Rather, I have two versions thereof, the same 4-5 paragraphs, the same info. But one was me trying an experiment, and I can't tell if it worked. Which one sounds better to you?

If you're not a writer, I'll still take your opinion. Most of you are readers, that's enough.

(And a caveat to all: Please please don't critique the substance, just the way it's presented. I'm not interested in whether the scenario started here is confusing, or whether you don't believe in the creature or the place "he" lives. Just whether the words sound/read better one way or the other.)

( Version One )

_______________
( Version Two )

Arrgh!

ETA: I've un-friendslocked this entry, as it occurs to me that two people {"Been there, done that" and "Chirp!") whose opinion I value on this sort of thing are not LJ users. (Both of you, you probably know who you are, why not do what Colin did, and sign on just so I can friend you and you can read my locked posts? Of course, one of you {chirp!} is thinking about starting a journal for real, so this suggestion may end up a gateway drug of sorts). But it might save me public humiliation. :)
________________

I should be sleeping. instead, I'm banging my head against something.

So, since it's late at night, and this hour, for me, is the equivalent of being slightly drunk, when things I'll regret in the morning Seem Like a Good Idea At the Time, I'll post my frustration.

Here I have the opening to a scene. Rather, I have two versions thereof, the same 4-5 paragraphs, the same info. But one was me trying an experiment, and I can't tell if it worked. Which one sounds better to you?

If you're not a writer, I'll still take your opinion. Most of you are readers, that's enough.

(And a caveat to all: Please please don't critique the substance, just the way it's presented. I'm not interested in whether the scenario started here is confusing, or whether you don't believe in the creature or the place "he" lives. Just whether the words sound/read better one way or the other.)

( Version One )

_______________
( Version Two )