Losing a fight against myself

One of the many things going on in the Sleep Thing with JoJo seems to be co-sleeping/separation anxiety.

I usually put him to sleep in his crib. But he often falls asleep in my arms. (Or someone's arms). And once in a while when he's seemed extra upset over something I let him sleep for an hour or two next to me on the bed. (Either between me and the wall, or with something else between him and the edge, generally.) I didn't do it when he was too small and couldn't roll over on his own yet, though I nursed him lying down sometimes; my confidence in the fact that I've had cats sleeping beside me for years didn't extend that far. I don't generally sleep *well* that way, but it's better sleep than the none that was sometimes then alternative.

However, these days the knowledge that he often falls asleep with mommy and sometimes sleeps safe and snuggled beside her seems to be tangling with separation anxiety. He wakes in the night and gets up and looks for me, when he doesn't need food, or a change, nor is too warm/cold. He just wants mommy. Sometimes this means just cuddle him a few minutes and put him back. Sometimes this is a cycle of hours of soothing / crib / waking. The latter means I drift off while holding him. The last few weeks, I've caught myself asleep in the chair with him on a pillow in my lap more often than I have since he was a month old, and at least once lying on my back with him on top of me, WAAAY too close to the edge of the bed. (I'm pretty sure I started sitting up on the edge of the bed.)

I've been resisting deliberately letting him co-sleep, because that will lead to other bad habits and problems. I love cuddling him, but I'm trying to have limits. I'd like them to be consistent.

So. Last night I settle him in his crib just before one, and get to bed myself a half-hour later. I remember saying something to him (in that lulling "go to sleep" voice) that it would be nice to wake up in at least three hours, for him to sleep that long...

I woke up just after four thirty.

With Joseph beside me in the bed, just waking enough to be looking for food and making fussy noises.

I do NOT remember anything between the two. Certainly not getting up, going to the crib, and scooping up and cuddling my baby.

So I get up and insist on taking him to the chair to nurse, in spite of his protests at needing to move. Nurse him, he falls asleep about five o'clock, set him in the crib; he wakes about ten minutes later. I change his diaper, soothe him some more, put him in the crib. He stirs, rolls over, seems to stay asleep. wakes a bit later. I vaguely remember thinking, "Well, I'm much more awake now, I can cuddle him on the bed for a few minutes, then move him."

At seven thirty, I wake...

Fortunately, after that feeding, he stayed in the crib until almost 9:00. But I do have to curse my sleeping/half-sleeping self for not having the discipline I need to actually get him to sleep properly.

I'd Like to try laying him in the crib just before he falls asleep, but too far along to pull himself to standing and demand out. But the difference between nursing and sleeping can be a matter of seconds, much less cuddling and sleeping.

It was suggested by the doctor that I lay him down then cuddle him, but at the crib's current height for his safety, that's easier said than done.

Anyhow, argh. I just want him to sleep and my sleeping or half-sleeping self not to betray my waking self.