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Mar. 15th, 2010 10:09 pmSignal Boosting:
Rachel Manija Brown's "Why didn't you kick him in the balls?"
The other day I had a conversation which reminded me of the enormous differences between the world I live in, and the world most men I know do. In particular, there are several statements which I have heard frequently and which I never want to hear again.
Rachel is smart, and interesting, and has been through a significant number of interesting situations in her life, ranging from the plain funny ("And suddenly juice fell from the sky!") to the kind which prompt posts like this one. In short, she's wise.
I grant you, I have a relatively relaxed threat assessment compared to many of the women I hear from on these topics. The only assaults, catcalls, and such situations I've met have been minor to the extreme, which may be the reason I am relaxed. But I'd still not want to hear these comments or judgments.
The thing is, she's right that there's a difference; when I told Colin about the third time I'd had someone scream "Bitch" or "Whore" at me when I waited for the late bus at the university (within the span of two terms), he seemed genuinely flabbergasted that things like that happened. Period.
Whereas I was mostly aware of why this behaviour *didn't* worry me; it was a stop where drive-bys would not be likely to be followed by the car coming around again (Well lit, frequently used road even at those hours, low on spots to pull over - the buses regularly stopped traffic - and the university's exceedingly convoluted layout would have actually made "circling back" considerably trickier than just turning around a block, which would dissuade anyone merely opportunistic. And yes, this is LOW-level threat assessment.)
Often the people saying these things are trying to do one of two things; prove it would be different if it was them (It would; we all react differently. But not in the way they mean; they wouldn't be guaranteed to be tougher, better, more violent, or more in charge. Especially not more in charge.) or they're trying to show solidarity and doing it WRONG. I don't think Rachel says this latter, or doesn't say it clearly; I've been in situations where I've appreciated that a friend was trying to be supportive of me or, often, another person with comments like these, and I *could* appreciate their intent even as I squicked at the method. And I've probably said some such clueless things in my own time, and I know I've had awkward thanks for at least meaning well. But. Meaning well doesn't stop the other part; the Yur Doin It Wrong.
There are also suggestions how to support your friend in the post and comments. Learn.
Rachel Manija Brown's "Why didn't you kick him in the balls?"
The other day I had a conversation which reminded me of the enormous differences between the world I live in, and the world most men I know do. In particular, there are several statements which I have heard frequently and which I never want to hear again.
Rachel is smart, and interesting, and has been through a significant number of interesting situations in her life, ranging from the plain funny ("And suddenly juice fell from the sky!") to the kind which prompt posts like this one. In short, she's wise.
I grant you, I have a relatively relaxed threat assessment compared to many of the women I hear from on these topics. The only assaults, catcalls, and such situations I've met have been minor to the extreme, which may be the reason I am relaxed. But I'd still not want to hear these comments or judgments.
The thing is, she's right that there's a difference; when I told Colin about the third time I'd had someone scream "Bitch" or "Whore" at me when I waited for the late bus at the university (within the span of two terms), he seemed genuinely flabbergasted that things like that happened. Period.
Whereas I was mostly aware of why this behaviour *didn't* worry me; it was a stop where drive-bys would not be likely to be followed by the car coming around again (Well lit, frequently used road even at those hours, low on spots to pull over - the buses regularly stopped traffic - and the university's exceedingly convoluted layout would have actually made "circling back" considerably trickier than just turning around a block, which would dissuade anyone merely opportunistic. And yes, this is LOW-level threat assessment.)
Often the people saying these things are trying to do one of two things; prove it would be different if it was them (It would; we all react differently. But not in the way they mean; they wouldn't be guaranteed to be tougher, better, more violent, or more in charge. Especially not more in charge.) or they're trying to show solidarity and doing it WRONG. I don't think Rachel says this latter, or doesn't say it clearly; I've been in situations where I've appreciated that a friend was trying to be supportive of me or, often, another person with comments like these, and I *could* appreciate their intent even as I squicked at the method. And I've probably said some such clueless things in my own time, and I know I've had awkward thanks for at least meaning well. But. Meaning well doesn't stop the other part; the Yur Doin It Wrong.
There are also suggestions how to support your friend in the post and comments. Learn.