lenora_rose | The Cheesecake Rant (Reply)

I'm done virtually all my Christmas Shopping, and even my Twelfth Night shopping (Though some of the online things haven't arrived, and most of the out-of-town things already arranged are not mailed and thus will be late.)

The exceptions are out of town people whose addresses I lack. I attempted an e-mail to one logical source to rectify this without alerting the people involved, but received no response. So darnit, I may have to go to the sources and give the thing away.

I've started the wrapping, with the basic "Nice" presents. (IE, not the ones I *really* play with.)

The cold/flu lingers on in the form of a miserable cough and gunk in the throat, though the hint of wheezing and short breath went away around Friday. I neither went to choir practice nor sang today in church. Though the choir sounded very good from the pew.

I've gotten almost no writing or rewriting done since a marathon session on Tuesday. (I managed to fit some in Wednesday, and several paragraphs of a non-fiction piece for fun Friday). In part because I'm chewing over one major plot point that doesn't want to fall out logically (At least not without making the deity involved also look like a selfish prat), but though the season has been busy as well, neither of those entirely excuses me. I mgiht have found a few minutes to work on Labyrinth or one of the several overdue reviews. I'm finding it very hard to bring myself to look at and rewrite the review lost on the other hard drive, but I have others owing.

I spent most parts of this afternoon that I didn't spend wrapping gifts working on setting up the music files to choose for the Christmas CD. In vain. The CD burning program I have is *supposed* to be able to play nice with .WMA files, and because I was swapping between 12 discs, not all of which have easily found or accurate time counts, I wanted to just dump the files onto my hard drive, and play with the order a while within the burning program. But it looks like I'll have to get a plug-in or a patch. Tomorrow.

Colin's sister and brother-in-law were over tonight. Colin made a full turkey dinner and all, pretty much on notice from somewhere around 1 or 2 this afternoon, and they brought a splendid cheesecake, as well as their good company. These two definitely qualify on my list of nice people to hang out with once in a while; erudite, sociable, knowledgeable in areas I'm not, and willing to discuss those things.

But one thing came up again, over the cheesecake.

(Slightly re-edited sicne original posting, but only to clean up the text. The poitns are hammered the same.)

As part of a general health improvement thing, through October, November, and the start of this month, I started to keep track of how many days I ate sweets -- *before* the sugar side of Christmas really kicked in. Far too many days came up sugary.

Thus, about two weeks ago now, I made a kind of resolution to avoid eating sweets between then and Christmas Eve. (When we agreed to hang out with certain friends who are also notorously excellent hosts on the 23rd, I immediately decided that the 24th would start about 4 hours early.)

Until tonight's cheesecake, I kept to it, far better than I anticipated doing. It wasn't ever expected to be a perfect run -- everywhere I've been in the meantime has some kind of chocolate or confection offered, and I work in a freaking bakery.

I was expecting to hold myself to a higher standard than usual, to indulge on fewer days than I did the month before, in the face of a larger number of direct invitations. I have kept up that standard. After the New Year, I may try to do what one of my co-workers does, and limit myself to indulging only on one particular day a week.

I wouldn't have thought this a political decision.

But virtually everyone I mention this resolution to has told me this is stupid, or it's not the time, or why ruin the holiday spirit. or why restrain myself? Or, the favourite, just one won't hurt (Except, if I listened, it's just one in each of a half dozen places... And my holiday cheer last week was much worse dampened by the presence of a flu than by the absence of a chocolate.)

There are also the generalities brought up when I either accept or refuse an offer without mentioning that it's part of a greater resolution. The discussion turns to how it's a particularly female thing to try to justify such indulgences. And a lot of people talk about the whole body image issues, we should be happy with ourselves. Yadda yadda freaking yadda.

Then there's the seasonal e-mails floating around, not related to my actions or comments at all, but directed at anyone who considers such a course, encouraging one to indulge, not to restrain yourself due to a desire for an unattainable ideal, or some notion that avoiding the pleasures in this world will net you better in the next, or that you don't need to apologize for wanting dessert.

Much of which is true. But I'm not talking about refusing myself a pleasure for any of those reasons. I'm considering restraining an impulsive indulgence for the sake of something that will make me feel good in another way, in the longer term. I'm not taking it to extremes - if anything I'm too soft on it, though it's noteable that the "soft" version is still an improvement.

I'm talking about looking at what I am. Not in comparison to some vague ideal ur-woman, or to what someone else is. Just what I am.

Here and now, I AM overweight.

I don't look bad. I'm attractive. I'm outright cute when I want to be, and I clean up nice, and I've proven I can be sexy at this weight.

Being content with what I have does not in any way shape or form mean it's a bad impulse to try and look better. Nor does it mean I'm wrong to look at myself, and to know I need to both lose a few pounds and get in better shape (Different but related goals).

If I gain more muscle tone as I lose fat, I'd still need to lose about 30-35 pounds to be the figure and build that would suit me best. If I just lost weight without gaining muscle (A poor idea by comparison, but far less likely), I'd probably need to lose around 50 pounds.

These aren't numbers drawn out of a hat, or out of some book about the pencil thin feminine ideal. I've never been thin, and I wouldn't want it if I had it. I'm a natual hourglass -- even with the extra weight, I still have a marked waist. I also have wide hips, and a bust, and those don't go away with the weight loss, and I want it that way.

Nor are these numbers short term goals. That's a half a year of dedicated work. Or longer without the dedication, and I don't have the dedication. In the short term, well, I don't weigh myself consistently enough to have a specific number in mind. How about -- by the end of January, it would be nice to see the numbers on either my waist or my scale (Or, but not necessarily, both) on a downward trend.

Saying this doesn't judge other people who are overweight for having a piece of cheesecake. Or for refusing the offer of a chocolate. Or for keeping up a perfectly rigorous expercise regime even when they hate every minute of it. Or for lying in front of the tv a while. It doesn't make assumptions about what women in general should be. All these choices work for others, at different times and in different ways. This choice is the one I'm looking at.

So why am I told to let myself go? Why am I told I shouldn't mind being overweight, or that since Colin loves me anyway, it's not a problem? Out of fear I'll make a mistake the other way, and magically turn anorexic? Starvation = ugh. I like food.

The seasonal busy-ness and a cold/flu have put a few setbacks in the official exercise regime, and a cheesecake put a dent in "no sweets until Christmas Eve". Does that make it a bad idea, or one that I've failed or one to be abandoned? NO. Weight control is a long term thing. Some changes will be temporary, to cut down a bit now. Some would be permanent, to keep it that way. I've already made a few of the latter, slowly - fewer carbs, more salads (Thankfully, I love salads). Fewer deep-fried foods. Setbacks on a long term goal are not the same as failures.

On the other hand, letting my writing regime go is just plain old bad. Tomorrow (Rather, later today, considering it's now two AM.) 2 hours or else.