Falling Into The Trap
Apr. 29th, 2011 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lenora_roseI was talking to a friend the other day about some frustrations she's been having. In the course of this, she complained "Doesn't (mutual friend) understand I was in a sexually abusive situation, and he can't just (irrelevant)?"
And I can only thank heaven I didn't actually say what I thought in that moment -- which was, Of course, it's not like it was real sexual abuse...
Of course, a moment after I thought it, I realised that if anybody else had said that thought aloud, I'd be one of the first to jump down their throats. Also, Bullshit, for several reasons:
1) The situation hurt her as if it were abusive. Ergo...
2) She was there, I wasn't. Her word trumps that of anyone who tries to say she's wrong who wasn't there.
3) If her telling of events is remotely accurate, it fits the definition of not looking for consent.
4) She's not even remotely the kind of person to 'make up stories' for attention. She didn't enjoy talking about it, or get anything but more uncomfortable and unhappy in doing so. Where, then, would she have reason to say it happened if it didn't.
5) She's also not unaware how victims get villainized. It affected a huge number of her actions, the fear of 'what people would think' if she told her side. Because he's a nice guy.
6) Most of all, when she described it to me, I thought it was wrong, nasty, skeezy and bad. And I still do. Even as a part of my brain managed to file it as "not quite abuse", I knew it was inappropriate behaviour, that would hurt the one subjected to it.
The thing is, I'm not exactly ignorant of how we as a culture are encouraged to think that sex is something women owe to men. That it's okay to push and press and manipulate. And how easy it is to doubt a nice guy and someone close and intimate can be the one to commit such an act. I've called other people on not wanting to call things assault or rape. I thought I was sufficiently aware of these issues to not fall into the same trap as others.
So how did I let myself slip into thinking it, even for a second, even knowing the thought was wrong?
Part of it is that in this case, I heard both sides of the story.
In his, he did a couple of things that were potentially skeezy, but with no intention to hurt, and -- and this is of course key -- he swears he stopped as soon as she told him to.
In her version, he did stop when she told him. But then he'd ask and press and try to convince her because *he* wanted to. Knowing she didn't. And soon after, he'd do the same skeezyish thing again. And again. And even absent that, he would pressure her again. No didn't actually stop him so much as give her a temporary reprieve.
The stories were similar enough to be compatible. I can't go into more detail (There are already some people who might think they know of whom I refer. Please, don't go there) but frankly, I could, once I heard both sides, easily see how he could feel he was walking - narrowly - on the side of acceptable, while she would not. It only takes a little wilful denial of how nasty pressure and manipulation can be, or a little denial that the pressure hurt.
The more when he did say, at least once, that he felt that because they were in a relationship, it wasn't wrong for him to want her. Not in the tone of a boyfriend expressing frustration, but of a man demanding his due.
No, he never raped her. But the behaviour wasn't wholly that of someone who respected her, or wanted things to be mutual. It was the behaviour of someone for whom what he wanted in the bedroom was paramount, and what she wanted was irrelevant.
Which comes down to treating a woman like your own personal sex toy.
Which is abusive.
But of course, he's a nice guy.
Also, of course, it's not possible to be sexually abusive without pinning someone down and raping them. Right? it's not real. It doesn't count.
When i was twelve, I was chased around and tussled with a coupled of guys a bit older than me. it started with them throwing rocks. It ended -- well, actually, it ended the moment I slashed the sharp edge of my glasses, folded in my hand,across one boy's face, so I could get up and run like I should have done from the start, but didn't. (Excuses: I was a slow runner, and I was sure they'd catch up. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of scaring me off. I thought I just had to land a punch of my own and they'd back off. I was twelve. Critical thinking on the spot was not my strong suit.) But before that, it ended with me pinned to the ground while he pinched and fondled my breasts. That's sure as hell sexual assault in my book.
I was shaken, but not really traumatized in a real way. But I only have to think about what it would mean for a boyfriend to have done that kind of thing -- not in a safe, trusting situation* where he'd stop at a word if the fun wrestling turned sour, but ignoring my will -- to know exactly how much worse that would have felt.
In some ways, I think it would be easier to classify if he hadn't *appeared* to stop when she said no. (And I say "appeared" advisedly). I wouldn't wish worse on her for the WORLD, but it would be so much easier to convince people this was sexual abuse.
Including, it seems, some part of me, that calls it skeezy gladly enough, but wants to cringe at saying 'sexual abuse'. The words are dangerously powerful. The way some women who believe in equal rights, equal pay, and the lot seem to fear to be called feminists. Because even if you fit the definition, using the word... is scary. It points out the reality of this world.
I have no conclusion, except that I need to check my assumptions. Again.
________________
* And yes, I've played bedroom games that looked like they pushed consent far worse than a few unwanted touches to my breasts. But those involved known boundaries, prestated interests, and a partner deeply trusted.
And I can only thank heaven I didn't actually say what I thought in that moment -- which was, Of course, it's not like it was real sexual abuse...
Of course, a moment after I thought it, I realised that if anybody else had said that thought aloud, I'd be one of the first to jump down their throats. Also, Bullshit, for several reasons:
1) The situation hurt her as if it were abusive. Ergo...
2) She was there, I wasn't. Her word trumps that of anyone who tries to say she's wrong who wasn't there.
3) If her telling of events is remotely accurate, it fits the definition of not looking for consent.
4) She's not even remotely the kind of person to 'make up stories' for attention. She didn't enjoy talking about it, or get anything but more uncomfortable and unhappy in doing so. Where, then, would she have reason to say it happened if it didn't.
5) She's also not unaware how victims get villainized. It affected a huge number of her actions, the fear of 'what people would think' if she told her side. Because he's a nice guy.
6) Most of all, when she described it to me, I thought it was wrong, nasty, skeezy and bad. And I still do. Even as a part of my brain managed to file it as "not quite abuse", I knew it was inappropriate behaviour, that would hurt the one subjected to it.
The thing is, I'm not exactly ignorant of how we as a culture are encouraged to think that sex is something women owe to men. That it's okay to push and press and manipulate. And how easy it is to doubt a nice guy and someone close and intimate can be the one to commit such an act. I've called other people on not wanting to call things assault or rape. I thought I was sufficiently aware of these issues to not fall into the same trap as others.
So how did I let myself slip into thinking it, even for a second, even knowing the thought was wrong?
Part of it is that in this case, I heard both sides of the story.
In his, he did a couple of things that were potentially skeezy, but with no intention to hurt, and -- and this is of course key -- he swears he stopped as soon as she told him to.
In her version, he did stop when she told him. But then he'd ask and press and try to convince her because *he* wanted to. Knowing she didn't. And soon after, he'd do the same skeezyish thing again. And again. And even absent that, he would pressure her again. No didn't actually stop him so much as give her a temporary reprieve.
The stories were similar enough to be compatible. I can't go into more detail (There are already some people who might think they know of whom I refer. Please, don't go there) but frankly, I could, once I heard both sides, easily see how he could feel he was walking - narrowly - on the side of acceptable, while she would not. It only takes a little wilful denial of how nasty pressure and manipulation can be, or a little denial that the pressure hurt.
The more when he did say, at least once, that he felt that because they were in a relationship, it wasn't wrong for him to want her. Not in the tone of a boyfriend expressing frustration, but of a man demanding his due.
No, he never raped her. But the behaviour wasn't wholly that of someone who respected her, or wanted things to be mutual. It was the behaviour of someone for whom what he wanted in the bedroom was paramount, and what she wanted was irrelevant.
Which comes down to treating a woman like your own personal sex toy.
Which is abusive.
But of course, he's a nice guy.
Also, of course, it's not possible to be sexually abusive without pinning someone down and raping them. Right? it's not real. It doesn't count.
When i was twelve, I was chased around and tussled with a coupled of guys a bit older than me. it started with them throwing rocks. It ended -- well, actually, it ended the moment I slashed the sharp edge of my glasses, folded in my hand,across one boy's face, so I could get up and run like I should have done from the start, but didn't. (Excuses: I was a slow runner, and I was sure they'd catch up. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of scaring me off. I thought I just had to land a punch of my own and they'd back off. I was twelve. Critical thinking on the spot was not my strong suit.) But before that, it ended with me pinned to the ground while he pinched and fondled my breasts. That's sure as hell sexual assault in my book.
I was shaken, but not really traumatized in a real way. But I only have to think about what it would mean for a boyfriend to have done that kind of thing -- not in a safe, trusting situation* where he'd stop at a word if the fun wrestling turned sour, but ignoring my will -- to know exactly how much worse that would have felt.
In some ways, I think it would be easier to classify if he hadn't *appeared* to stop when she said no. (And I say "appeared" advisedly). I wouldn't wish worse on her for the WORLD, but it would be so much easier to convince people this was sexual abuse.
Including, it seems, some part of me, that calls it skeezy gladly enough, but wants to cringe at saying 'sexual abuse'. The words are dangerously powerful. The way some women who believe in equal rights, equal pay, and the lot seem to fear to be called feminists. Because even if you fit the definition, using the word... is scary. It points out the reality of this world.
I have no conclusion, except that I need to check my assumptions. Again.
________________
* And yes, I've played bedroom games that looked like they pushed consent far worse than a few unwanted touches to my breasts. But those involved known boundaries, prestated interests, and a partner deeply trusted.
